


Broken Clocks

by anastasia_93_daybidaylove



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst, Bechloe Week, Bechloe Week 2020, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25537084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasia_93_daybidaylove/pseuds/anastasia_93_daybidaylove
Summary: Beca lives in LA; she's a music producer, about to release her first solo album, succesful and accomplished. The life she'd always wanted.Chloe lives back where they used to; she has a completely different life than Beca's, quiet and peaceful. The life she'd always wanted.It's been a long time since the were Beca and Chloe; whatever that means anymore.But life has decided to bring them together once more. How much will it succeed?
Relationships: Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell
Comments: 61
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Embarking on a new journey here, and it's gonna be quite the ride! Also, i would like to thank my wonderful friend (trappedinametaphor on tumblr) who basically constructed this story with me, thank you for putting up with all my crazy and always being available to discuss ideas with me! i appreciate you so much!  
> Okay so this is gonna be a multi chapter story. some of the chapters (at the moment this will be posted, two more) have already been written and will be posted on their respective days for bechloe week, the rest will be posted when my brain decides to write them. shouldn't be long at all between updates, though, so no worries.  
> First chapter based on the prompt for the first day of bechloe week: friends with benefits  
> This chapter was really a delight to write, which is also why it got so long! i do really hope you enjoy it! fic title from the song Broken Clocks by Matthew Mayfield  
> Come find me on Tumblr under the same name if you'd like! And if you came from Tumblr...well, welcome!  
> Each chapter may have its own warnings, so be mindful of that.  
> Always open to constructive criticism and thoughts, so feel free to indulge!  
> Also, I like to write many words and analyze things. This is a fair warning.

If you asked Beca Mitchell, there were many things wrong with the world. There were the big things of course, like wars and famines and pandemics. But there were also smaller -at least compared to world-scale catastrophes- things that she still found utterly wrong and completely unfair.

Bills, for example. Why did they have to exist and force her month after month into oh so riveting budgeting mental exercise? Or the fact that so many people around her seemed to have the mental capabilities of a cucumber. How and why was she supposed to deal with that while maintaining ‘proper adult behavior’? No cursing, no throwing punches… How? Some days it seemed almost impossible.

Beca hated that she had to put up with such things.

But what she hated above all else was the LA traffic; she hated it with a burning passion. It was a nightmare in the best of days; and today hadn’t been one of those.

Beca had expected to be done with work by 3pm that afternoon. She had wrapped up the song she had been working on by 2pm, she had attended a meeting to discuss some details on the progress of the album she had been assigned to produce, and she was supposed to leave after that.

And yet, somehow, she had gotten roped into a second, impromptu meeting revolving around the production of her own personal album, the marketing of the first single that was to come out in a couple of days, some issues that had arisen with a couple of the venues for her upcoming tour… She should have felt happy and excited, it had been her ultimate dream for so long; not only she was a successful and recognized music producer –no point being humble to her own self about it, it was the truth- but now she was also creating and singing her own music.

Despite that, all Beca could feel was tired. It had been such a long week, and all she wanted to do that Friday afternoon was to get home, have some decent food for once and take a long bath. Not keep trying to concentrate on all the numbers and boring logistical details a bunch of people in suits insisted on blabbering about.

Even when that meeting from hell had –finally!- been over, her day hadn’t improved in the slightest. Because by then it had been 4:30pm and she’d landed right in the middle of the end-of-the-workday traffic jam, which she was still currently stuck into; one hour after she’d left the studio and not even half-way home yet.

Beca sighed dejectedly and rested her arms loosely atop the steering wheel of her car, the back of her head against the headrest of her seat. Her eyes drifted closed after a few seconds and a long breath escaped her lips this time. It wasn’t helping that the temperature was too high for the time of year; 78 degrees in mid-April was unusual, even for LA, and it only added to her exhaustion. It felt like a whole ass month had passed since she’d left for work that morning.

The obnoxiously loud honking of the car right behind her own pulled her abruptly out of her thoughts just then, and Beca cursed loudly. Why were people so stupid? Like, it should be obvious that no amount of honking would change how unmoving the endless line of cars was. The honk sounded again and Beca couldn’t help it this time; she extended her arm out of the open window of her car and flipped the moron off.

The small satisfaction the action had offered her evaporated immediately once her eyes landed on the clock on the dashboard, though. It had been over ten minutes since the line had moved at all; at this rate she wouldn’t arrive home for another two hours. Beca groaned and rested her head against the headrest again. LA traffic was the worst thing to ever happen to humankind, she was sure of it.

* * *

Beca was already taking her shoes off when the door of her apartment closed behind her with a small thud. The cool tiles under her bare feet had her breathing a sigh of relief as she padded towards the bathroom, discarding her bag and her blazer as she went.

Her reflection in the bathroom mirror demonstrated perfectly the day she’d had. Bags were starting to appear under her eyes and she was a bit paler than normal, even though her cheeks were flashed from the heat outside. Beca stared at her face for a few seconds longer, her attention drawn to her eyes.

They looked tired. Which of course they did, she was indeed tired; it was almost 7pm and she’d just gotten home after two and a half hours stuck in her car and a ridiculously long day at work. The observation seemed almost silly. And yet, there was just something…off about them.

_“I love your eyes. Even after everything, there’s- there’s this spark in their depths; and it’s such a beautiful thing to witness”._

Beca gripped the edges of the sink tightly, watching in the mirror a look of horror cross her features before she pulled her gaze away. Her hands were slightly shaking as she opened the faucet and proceeded to splash cold water on her face, eyes closed tightly.

She hated her brain some times. Truly hated the damn thing. What business did it have going and unearthing stuff like that; stuff from what felt like a lifetime ago? Stuff she had buried so deep, locked up so securely, that she’d never have thought they’d manage to reappear at the forefront of her mind.

She’d thought she’d buried them deep enough.

Apparently, she’d been wrong about that.

Eyes still closed and droplets of water dripping from her face, she gripped the edges of the sink again; lighter this time. That voice in her head, the one that felt as if it had just whispered those words into her ear, wasn’t a part of her life anymore. Nothing from back then was. It wasn’t her reality anymore; she’d changed that. She’d got out; away from everyone and everything that used to haunt her she’d built the life she wanted for herself. She’d gotten rid of all the ghosts a long time ago.

She was just tired. It had been a long day in a long week; hell, the last few months had been long. Her brain was delirious and in need of a break. And she had two whole days to rest and relax; come Monday she would be as good as new.

Beca nodded once at her own internal pep-talk and grabbed the towel that was hanging besides the sink to dry her face. She should probably remove her make-up, but she couldn’t bother with it just then. There was no rush, she’d do it later. Her hands were steady now as she hung the towel on the wall again and exited the bathroom with her head held high. The mirror was left resolutely behind.

A few minutes later she was sitting behind the kitchen isle, a bottle of cold beer open and already half empty in front of her as she scrolled through her cell phone. She hadn’t checked it since that morning, not really, so she wasn’t very surprised that a couple dozen e-mails were waiting for her to read and respond to.

Beca had no desire to do any of that; she should be allowed to have a Friday evening away from anything work related god damnit! Frustrated, she just turned off the device and tossed it quite haphazardly on the isle, wincing at the sound it made as it came in contact with the hard surface. The last thing she needed right now was a broken cell phone.

Running a hand through her hair she let her eyes scan the space around her absentmindedly. She still felt tired, but there was also an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach that she couldn’t quite place, nor shake. It irritated her, and even the always comfortable silence in her apartment felt stifling somehow; deafening.

Her gaze fell on the landline, and the tiny red light that was blinking back at her from its base. She considered ignoring it, but she hadn’t checked her voicemail in over a week; with a long sigh she left her seat and a few seconds later she was pressing the small button to play the messages.

The robotic female voice promptly informed her that there were three unheard voicemails; the first one from her landlord about some kind of building meeting the next day. Her brain quickly blocked out his ramblings as she started going through her mail, the stack of envelopes having gotten big after a whole week she kept adding on to it without opening any.

She registered that some woman’s voice had replaced her landlord’s, but the cable bill in front of her drew her attention away again. The amount displayed on the paper was just ridiculous; she should probably get rid of it, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d watched tv. Definitely not worth it.

Suddenly she had zero desire to figure out how much more money she’d have to spend on ridiculously overpriced goods and services for yet another month; why did life in LA had to be so fucking expensive?!

Shifting through the rest of the envelopes –why did she have so many bills?!- she reached a folded up newspaper at the bottom of the pile. She inexplicably hesitated for the briefest of seconds, before picking it up and spreading it open on the isle. Her eyes scanned the first page, but she didn’t manage to take in any of the words.

The printed pages in front of her were the last tangible thing connecting her to her past; to the hometown and life she’d left behind years ago with no intention of ever returning to either. She didn’t even know why she hadn’t unsubscribed from the damn thing three years ago when her father had retired from the army. He was at home, safe and sound; no need for her to be keeping up with the news, to be scanning this same paper each week to make sure he hadn’t died on duty or something without anyone notifying her.

She vaguely registered the shrill beeping sound from the landline, indicating that the last voicemail was about to play; she flipped a page in the paper, already zoning out before she’d even heard who this one was from. At least it was the last one, thank god.

A moment later, though, her head whipped around to stare at the landline, her whole body completely unmoving as her father’s imposing voice filled the air around her.

“Hello, Beca. I’ve called before, but you didn’t pick up or call back. I suppose you’re busy”.

There was a secondary pause; even in the silence that accompanied it Beca could hear his disappointment and disapproval. It was nothing new, nor was the slightly claustrophobic feeling that encompassed her heart.

“A few days ago it was the twelfth, and once again you didn’t show up. People were asking questions, and I had no idea what to tell them. You should have been here, Beca. I can’t imagine what could have been more important”.

There was a longer pause this time, and Beca realized she had been holding her breath. She was a grown woman and yet she felt like she was being admonished as if she was five years old.

It was a feeling all too familiar, and she hated it.

“Anyway; even despite that, my door remains open for you if you ever decide to come back and visit. I hope you’re keeping well, Beca. Goodbye”.

The shrill beeping sounded again and then nothing; absolute, suffocating silence. It was a few seconds before Beca drew in a deep breath and managed to peel her eyes away from the landline. Her father’s words kept echoing inside her head, so loudly that she winced and shook her head in an attempt to get rid of the phantom voice.

Her thoughts were a tangled mess inside her already tired brain; always that passive-aggressiveness, always the expectations, always the judgment and the coldness and…

Beca forced her gaze to focus on the paper in front of her, mechanically turning the page. She didn’t need all that; she didn’t need her father accusing her of not doing enough for the millionth time. She didn’t need to be feeling as small and in the wrong as she did now.

Her eyes skimmed over the printed pages, trying to latch on to the words with a hint of desperation. She knew she was overreacting, and she knew how ridiculous it was; her father had been his usual self, big deal. It was just this fucking day; it just kept throwing things at her. There had been that stupid second meeting at work, and then there had been the…

Beca’s mind suddenly blanked, all her thoughts flying away from her like a flock of birds that had just heard a gunshot. There was a black and white picture staring back at her from the slightly creased page; it was of a man she didn’t recognize, but the name above it… she knew that name.

It had been in that same paper years ago. In a wedding announcement.

It had been engraved in her memory.

**_“Our small town is mourning the loss of a bright young life. Captain David S. Montgomery, 32, was fatally injured yesterday during a routine army training exercise, a tragic accident that has shaken the entirety of our tight-knit community. Capt. Montgomery was born and raised in Edinburgh, graduated with honors from our local high school and was a highly respected and beloved member of our town’s military force. Despite his short career, he managed to be recognized for his bravery and valor by his superiors, and there is no person who knew him that doesn’t speak of his exemplary character and kind nature. Capt. Montgomery is survived by his wife Chloe, 28, and his young son Timothy, 4, and will be dearly missed. A service will be held tomorrow morning at St. Michael’s church at 11am”._ **

She had to read the short obituary three times before her brain managed to make some sense of it; it was so hard to focus on anything else besides one single word. One name.

Chloe.

Beca stood frozen on the spot, staring at it; it almost felt like she was having an out-of-body experience.

For a couple blissful seconds she almost had herself convinced that this was simply a matter of two people having the same name. It wasn’t **her**. It couldn’t be, right? She couldn’t be invading Beca’s life like that; not all the way to LA and not after all the time that had passed.

The name above the picture caught Beca’s eye again. _David S. Montgomery_. She couldn’t kid herself; it would be childish to even try. She indulged in denial like the next person, but this… she couldn’t deny this.

She also couldn’t deny the inexplicable urge, the instinct, that had risen in her like a tidal wave as soon as she’d realized what exactly she was reading. The urge to just…go. To go to her and –god, it sounded so stupid it almost made her cringe- to protect her. Keep her safe and help in whatever way she needed.

Beca ran an unexpectedly steady hand down her face, mentally shaking herself. She had no business feeling that urge, or anything close to it. It was irrational, insane even; and she didn’t do either of those things. It wasn’t who she was.

As for the past, it was just that. The past. Which she had left resolutely behind, by her own choice, to built the life she wanted for herself; to realize her dreams and everything she’d ever wanted. She’d been doing that for years now, and there was no reason to look back. Not even for a second.

It wasn’t her job or her place to take care of anyone besides herself; and definitely –definitely!- not Chloe.

The mere fact that she had to remind herself of those things had Beca abruptly closing the paper and pushing it away from her. She stared at it for a moment longer before she drank the rest of her now lukewarm beer and pushed herself away from the kitchen isle.

This fucking day needed to end already, it felt like a whole year’s worth of stuff had happened since that morning. What she needed was that long bath, accompanied by some nice music and a bottle of cool, red wine. And that’s exactly what she would do; the rest of the world could fuck off for the rest of the evening.

Beca sighed as she entered the bathroom once more. She really needed a break that weekend. Just two days; and come Monday she would be as good as new. She always was.

* * *

Another day, another mirror, and yet the same tired face staring back at her; even through her heavy on stage make-up Beca could still see the bags under her eyes and how pale she was. Which would be quite normal –she had just gotten off the stage after a two-hour concert after all- if her exhaustion didn’t run so deep she could feel it in the deepest parts of her soul.

It wasn’t helping that for the past two months she’d been on the road, touring all over the place in a crammed bus with a bunch of basically strangers; back-up dancers, supporting vocalists, members of the crew… Her anxiety had been steadily rising as the days had gone by.

Which was the reason why, for the last month, she hadn’t written even half a lyric, or even felt inspired enough to whip up a single mix. Mixing was almost a part of her personality at this point; without it she wasn’t really sure who she even was.

Beca kept staring at the girl in the mirror in front of her and for a brief moment she felt like it was a complete stranger that was looking back at her; not her own reflection.

The door of her dressing room being suddenly thrown open snapped her out of her thoughts so abruptly that she almost jumped. Her annoyance at the uninvited intrusion rose further when she turned around only to see Theo with the widest smile plastered on his face.

She so didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with him at that moment.

“You absolutely crushed it out there, Beca! Well done, that was one hell of a show!”, he gushed, and Beca resisted the urge to roll her eyes. They’d been working together for a very long time by now, since he’d discovered her singing in a rundown bar in an attempt to make ends meet about eight years ago. He was a nice enough dude, she would give him that, but she still found him extremely annoying.

Especially at times like this, when she was tired and obviously wanted to be left alone.

That was a message that never registered with Theo.

Beca turned around towards the small vanity once more and started searching into her carry-on for her make-up removal.

“Thanks”, she replied flatly, hoping beyond hope it would dissuade him from continuing.

It did not.

“I mean, did you see the crowd?! They really loved it, Beca, I could tell!”

Beca considered telling him that yes, she could tell too; she was the fucking artist on stage after all, the crowd was literally in front of her!

She chose not to engage with him any more than necessary, though, instead digging deeper into her carry-on and keeping silent.

“I mean, it has happened in every show so it’s not really surprising, but it **is** incredible all the same! And make no mistake, the suits think so, too! The ticket sales alone are enough to impress anyone, but I’ve also been keeping them updated on the reception of…well, you; and they’ve been extremely pleased with the outcome!”

“That’s really nice, Theo”, Beca replied absentmindedly; where the hell was the fucking thing? She was sure she’d packed it that morning, she could remember clearly putting it in the fucking carry-on.

“They are so pleased, in fact”, he continued as if he hadn’t even heard her in his excitement, “that they told me they are adding more dates to the tour! Isn’t it amazing?! I mean, I knew it definitely was a possibility even after your first couple concerts with how amazingly things were going but it wasn’t a sure thing, at least not until tonight, and-”

“Wait”, Beca interrupted him as soon as his words registered in her mind, turning around and glaring at him. “What did you just say?” she asked in a forcibly calm and quiet tone; she couldn’t have heard what she’d just heard.

“They are adding more dates to the tour! They’ve been so impressed-”

“No, they can’t just decide that; tonight was supposed to be the last concert. They can’t just spring this on me without even having the decency to pretend they care about my opinion!”

There was that claustrophobic feeling growing and spreading rapidly inside her; it was as if the walls were slowly inching towards her from all directions. She was supposed to be done with the tour after tonight. That had been the plan. The crammed tour bus, the constant interaction with a whirlwind of people, the crazy hours… all that was supposed to end tonight.

That had been the plan.

She liked that plan.

She could feel her anger rising at the unfairness of it all; and she let it because she could also feel the first hints of panic as well. No, anger was better. Beca Mitchell didn’t do panic. Not anymore. She was in control of her life now.

It was that last thought that had her opening her mouth to say more, to object more strongly. She was in control, they couldn’t just do that to her. She should have a say in this; she **would** have a say in this whether they liked-

It was then that she noticed Theo’s sheepish expression; he almost looked…guilty. The next second a thought popped up in her mind and she narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.

“What did you do?” she questioned slowly, and she watched him almost flinch at the cold warning in her tone.

“Nothing!”

“Theo, I swear to god-”

“Fine, fine! It’s not anything bad anyway, I was just-”

“What. Did you do”.

Her patience was running really thin at this point; if he didn’t fucking answer the fucking question in the next fucking minute-

“They asked, okay? They asked if you would want to continue on with the tour, they didn’t just decide it”.

“So you-”

“I told them yes”.

Beca was so bewildered that she couldn’t even speak for a few seconds. How dare he- She was the one- He had just-

“Why are you even looking at me like that right now, this is the best thing we could have hoped for! The suits wanting to extend the tour- It’s huge, it’s one hell of an opportunity to promote the album further and connect with the fans and… Beca, this isn’t an opportunity you just pass on, so that’s why I-”

No. Just…just no.

She was done.

“That’s why you spoke for me, when I’m perfectly capable of speaking for myself. You don’t get to make these kinds of decisions for me, Theo! No one does!”

“Beca-”

“No! You call them back and tell them that the tour is over”.

“You can’t seriously-”

“It’s my decision, okay?! My decision! Oh, and after you tell them this, inform them that I’m taking some vacation time, starting right now!”

“What?”

Beca turned around and started throwing her stuff haphazardly into the carry-on.

She was fucking done.

She needed a break.

“You heard me, Theo. There will be no more dates, the tour is over, and I’m out. I’m taking a road trip”.

* * *

The silence and solitude inside her car was oddly comforting the next morning; Beca sighed as she gripped the steering wheel more comfortably, her eyes glued to the open road ahead of her. Honestly, the road trip idea hadn’t even crossed her mind before she was saying the words; she had no idea how or why her brain had even come up with it.

She had simply wanted to get away. And since that idea was as good as any, she’d just run with it.

However, as much as she would have liked to have done just that as soon as possible the previous night, she’d decided against it. Driving in the middle of the night while really tired had seemed not a very wise idea, so after retrieving the rest of her stuff from the tour bus she’d just crashed at a motel for a few hours.

But now was 8am, and she was finally on the road; by her own choice and rules this time. Just that simple thought had warm relief cursing through her body. It had been months since she’d felt like this; so calm and at peace. So free.

Speaking of freedom…

Beca’s brow furrowed at the connection her brain had just made; she hated the stupid thing sometimes, it could be so unhelpful. It didn’t need to keep reminding her where she’d chosen to go to first.

As if the universe was mocking her –what was new though- her gaze fell on a sign at the side of the road. She had already driven past it a moment later, but the words kept replaying in her mind on a loop.

_Town of Edinburgh, 20 miles_

It almost felt like a warning. Like an invisible force was trying to make her understand what she was doing; where she was going. The true magnitude of it.

Beca shook her head, her hands gripping the steering wheel a bit more firmly as she pressed down on the gas. Any and all invisible forces could go fuck themselves, along with her stupid brain.

She didn’t know why exactly she had decided this, but her decision had been made and she wasn’t changing it. For once, she didn’t want to over-think. So she pushed every thought on the matter at the back of her mind and reached for the radio, turning it on.

She was doing this, and she wasn’t turning back.

She was going home.

* * *

Beca turned off the car engine and pulled the keys out of the ignition, stuffing them into the pocket of her jeans. Forgoing her jacket –the thermometer on her dash showed it was 75 degrees outside- she carefully picked up the bouquet of white lilies from the passenger seat and got out of her car, the gentle morning sun warming her face instantly.

She knew where she was, of course she knew; she’d driven here herself. And yet, as she turned towards her car ready to close the door she hesitated; resting her forearm on its roof she took in the view in front of her, her heart clenching a little inside her chest. The vast expanses of neatly trimmed green lawns that stretched many yards in every direction, and the dozens of rows of tombstones that rested on top and sparkled brightly as the sunlight was reflected off of them.

It was so peaceful and bright; a gentle breeze had a couple strands of her hair tickling her cheeks before it moved towards the trees at the perimeter of the cemetery, their branches swaying lightly at its soft touch. There was something poetically melancholic in their eerily synchronized movements; it felt as if they were welcoming her back with all the sympathy and understanding of an old friend.

Because they’d been here the last time she’d also been; their violent rustling in the howling wind was ingrained in her memories of that night. It had matched perfectly the silent agony of her heart.

Pursing her lips Beca mentally scolded her brain for the entirely unnecessary trip down memory lane and shut the door of her car decisively. Flowers securely held in her hand she started walking, realizing she still remembered the way as clear as day; as if she’d been here just yesterday.

Yet again, that exact sense of having been transported back in time persisted since she’d parked her car a few minutes earlier. She wasn’t really sure how she felt about it; it was definitely bizarre and a bit unsettling, though.

It took no more than five minutes before she had reached her destination; Beca stopped slowly and allowed her eyes to glide over the smooth white marble in front of her. It looked as good as new; clearly someone had been consistently taking care of it. Ignoring the small pang of guilt in her chest, she took a couple small steps forward and -even though for some reason she felt quite foolish doing it- she kneeled carefully on the soft grass.

The tombstone stood at the same height as her now; Beca traced every word –every letter- on it with her eyes; again and again, until her vision became slightly blurred and she couldn’t anymore.

_Leah Amber Mitchell_

_February 9 th 1967 - April 10th 2006_

_Beloved Wife and Mother_

_May your love always light our way_

Beca blinked a few times to clear her vision; it was then that she realized she’d been still holding onto the flowers. Her hand was shaking just the tiniest bit as she placed them down tentatively, but she noticed it anyway; she laced her hands in her lap tightly the moment the bouquet was laying on the grass.

Her gaze landed on the words again; they were literally etched in stone, keeping the memory of her mother alive in the most secure way she could think of. And yet, she herself had always felt that memory so fragile and delicate; ready to slip through her grasp and vanish into thin air if she wasn’t careful enough.

Maybe it was because it had never felt real to her, the fact that she was gone. How could she be?

She was her mum.

She wasn’t supposed to.

Or maybe it was because she wasn’t allowed to talk about her; at least not with-

“These are really nice flowers”.

Startled, Beca whipped her head to the side; her gaze immediately landing on the little boy that had apparently approached without her realizing and now stood just a few feet away. He shouldn’t be older than five.

Despite that, though, there was something almost too serious in his polite expression; as if he’d needed to grow faster than any child should have to. It caused a sudden wave of sadness to wash over her. She knew what that felt like.

“What’s their name?” the little boy asked, pointing at the lilies; his eyes never leaving Beca’s.

It was a simple question. She obviously knew the answer.

But those eyes…Beca just now was fully noticing them as they held her gaze, and she was rendered momentarily speechless. There was just something utterly captivating in their clear, light blue, something she… Something she could swear she recognized; it felt so familiar.

“You don’t know their name?”

Beca tried to snap out of the weird trance she’d fallen into; she was acting really dumb right now and it was starting to annoy her.

“No, of course I know, they’re cal-”

“Timothy Shawn Montgomery, what are you doing?!” was heard just then from some distance away in the direction Beca’s back was turned towards.

The little boy –Tim, apparently- had turned immediately at the sound of the female voice to stare at the woman who was supposedly approaching; Beca on the other hand remained frozen to the spot, her eyes still on the boy but not really looking at him.

This…this couldn’t be happening. She thought she was being crazy before, with all her weird fascination with the boy’s eyes, but she had been right the whole time. She did know those eyes.

And she definitely knew that voice.

This would just be her luck; when had any higher power done her any favors to start now? Of all the people in this fucking town-

“Tim”. The voice was suddenly so close now that Beca felt a chill running down her spine despite the warm weather. “What have we said about bothering people here?”

“But mommy, I just wanted to know what the pretty flowers were called”.

Beca took in the pleading tone and the earnestly apologetic expression on the little boy’s face and cursed herself for what her brain had already decided to do. It wasn’t like she had anywhere to hide anyway. Might as well get it over with.

“He was really no bother”, she assured –her heart beating wildly now in her chest- as she got up and turned around, bracing herself for what she was about to see.

Of course, she could have never been prepared enough.

This was Chloe Beale after all.

Chloe who was now staring back at her in complete shock, if her expression was anything to go by. Beca couldn’t really blame her. It had been so long…

“He didn’t bother me at all”, Beca relayed the same sentiment, taking in Chloe’s appearance at the same time. She hadn’t changed, not really. Sure, there were a few barely visible lines on her face, a hint of dark circles under her eyes, her hair was up in a messy ponytail, not a hint of make-up on her face…The evidence of what she had and was still going through were right there, clear as day.

But her features were as soft as the day Beca had met her; her hair still that vibrant, fiery red; and her eyes…

Her eyes were the same endless pools of the warmest light blue Beca had ever seen; neither the brightest summer sky nor the clearest exotic sea could compare.

“Beca?”

It was a question that didn’t really require an answer, but Beca nodded anyway. She could feel the tension rising inside her and all around them; she could all but hear it crackling in the air.

“What are you doing here?”

There was a strong hint of accusation in her tone; before Beca could reply, though, Chloe finally noticed the tombstone they were standing in front of and a moment later understanding spread on her face as she read the inscription.

“Oh. Right”.

“Yeah”.

A few seconds passed without either of them saying anything, and then Beca suddenly remembered a very important piece of information.

“I’m really sorry about your husband, Chloe”, she offered sincerely, trying to convey through her expression and tone that she really meant it.

A small, involuntary scoff escaped Chloe’s lips, taking Beca completely aback.

“I- Chloe, I truly mea-”

“Thank you. I appreciate it”, Chloe cut her off, her tone curt and with just a hint of sarcasm around the edges.

Beca cringed internally at how awkward and uncomfortable the current situation was.

“Well, I’m sorry to have bothered you while visiting here; we’ll be going now”.

“It’s because I’m going to summer camp today!” Tim suddenly exclaimed; Beca had honestly almost forgotten he was also there. His face was shining with pure excitement and joy, and she couldn’t help but smile a small smile at him.

“Good for you, little man”.

“And we’ll be late if we don’t hurry, so come on, Timmy; let’s go”, Chloe addressed her son firmly but gently, giving no time to Beca to say anything else to her as the next second she had already turned around and was walking away.

Tim sent Beca one last look and a small wave before he followed after his mother, his earlier excitement now completely gone. She didn’t like that; she didn’t like watching this little boy walking so solemnly, a visible droop to his small shoulders.

It was unfair that he had to be in this place in the first place; that there was a reason for him to even be here.

“Hey, Tim!”

The little boy turned around immediately at the sound of her voice, and so did Chloe; Beca just focused her attention on him, though.

“They’re lilies”, she stated, unable to help a small smile from spreading on her lips. “The flowers. They’re called lilies”.

She could feel Chloe’s gaze on her; such was its intensity that Beca could see it burning a literal hole through her if she wasn’t relieved of it soon. Even so, she didn’t regret calling back to them; she couldn’t.

Not when she watched the biggest, brightest smile stretching the little boy’s face and reaching his ears as he nodded in acknowledgement. Tim sent her another wave -a much more enthusiastic one this time- before turning back around and continuing on his way; Chloe doing the same a couple seconds later.

Beca was left standing there, watching their retreating forms as they became increasingly smaller in the distance. When they finally disappeared from view, she couldn’t help but wonder if everything that had happened in the last twenty or so minutes had actually happened.

* * *

“Beca where do you think you’re going? I’m talking to you!”

“I’m tired of this conversation dad! It isn’t going anywhere anyway!”

“Because you refuse to acknowledge that what I’m saying is the truth”.

“Oh my God!”

“All I asked is why you’re here now, just like that, and you couldn’t have done the same three months ago. I think it’s a fair-”

“No, it’s **not** fair! You don’t know my life; you haven’t for a really long time! So don’t pretend to understand-”

“You don’t take this tone with me, young lady!”

“Oh my **God**! I’m not a child anymore, dad!”

“Then stop acting like one and recognize your mistakes, Beca!”

“My mistakes? **My** mistakes?! How about **yours**? You never talked about mum after she died! You wouldn’t answer any questions I had, you wouldn’t let me even **mention** her, you- You even took down all her pictures in the house! Even the ones in **my** room! But no, **clearly** those were the right things to do, right dad?!”

“Mind your tone, Beca; I won’t say it again!”

“This is what you took from all that?! My **tone**?! How about we focus on the important thing for once, dad?! How about some accountability for a change?!”

“Beca, that’s enough! You don’t come into my house and talk to me like that, I won’t-”

“You know what? You’re right; and I shouldn’t even have come here in the first place”.

“Beca, come back right now! This discussion is not over; you still haven’t-”

“No, dad, I’m leaving! I’m done, okay?! I’m done”.

* * *

Edinburgh, Indiana was a very small town; Beca was acutely aware of that as she walked down the completely desolate streets. It was only 10pm for fuck’s sake, and for the last hour of the two she’d been wandering around she hadn’t encountered anyone; not a soul.

Fucking half-dead small towns.

Beca took a sip off of the beer bottle she’d been carrying, her second one of the night. After she’d returned to the motel a few hours earlier she’d immediately gone out in search of alcohol. After the oh so lovely time she’d spent with her dad in the past two days –the best of it being their wonderful chat that afternoon- she’d really needed it.

She’d drunk the first bottle in her room, trying to distract herself by watching something on the small, barely working tv; it hadn’t really worked. The walls had started closing in on her, the quiet in the small space so deafening she’d felt almost as if she was physically suffocating.

The streets were better. It was still quiet as hell, but at least she was able to walk and keep walking, to breathe in the fresh, pleasantly cool air, to turn her head up and watch the stars on the night sky… Out on the streets she didn’t feel restrained or caged but a little bit.

That had nothing to do with her surroundings, though.

Beca took another sip of her beer absentmindedly, letting her feet carry her forward without paying much thought to where she was going. She’d really never thought she’d return to this place. She’d made it a point not to. And yet, the first time she got some time off work she basically rushed back here. Voluntarily. Immediately.

And yes, it was supposed to be just a pit stop before she began her road trip. The place where the road trip was supposed to begin from.

The thing was, she could have done that anywhere. She could have gotten in her car in Indianapolis and just…driven. Just gotten on the road and traveled for as many hours as she wanted; she could have named Indianapolis the starting point and go from there.

But no, instead she’d come here and wasted two perfectly good days on…what exactly? Reminiscing? Catching up? Resting? None of those felt quite right, but she still couldn’t find the right word.

She still couldn’t understand why she’d come back home.

She only knew that the idea for the road trip had come with the attachment of her coming back home. It had felt like the logical thing to do, which in and of itself was just the most illogical thing ever. She had never wanted to return. So why…

Beca sighed loudly, rubbing her eyes with her palm momentarily as she kept walking. She couldn’t think about this anymore or her brain would explode. She didn’t believe she’d find any answers even if she kept thinking about it anyway.

Beca drank the remainder of her beer and glanced around, looking for a trash can to throw away the bottle. It was then that she realized how far away she’d walked while lost in her thoughts. It was still not that far, but she was out of the town by now, a thick line of trees on either side of the road.

A road she recognized very well, her mind reminded her after a second.

She should turn around; turn around, return to the motel, and have a good night’s sleep to be well rested and ready to travel the next morning. Her feet were already carrying her forward, however; an invisible force pulling her towards what she knew she would see as soon as she took the next turn.

And less than two minutes later there it was; the bridge. Beca slowed the rhythm of her steps as she kept approaching it, taking in its familiar shape in the darkness. It didn’t seem to have changed at all; which could be considered quite normal for a bridge, what would have even changed? It was a bridge.

Beca rolled her eyes at herself, registering the sound of her own steps on its wooden floor as she started traversing it slowly. She couldn’t see the river, not really, but she could still hear the constant murmur of its ever-flowing waters; she wouldn’t have expected it to be as soothing as it was turning out to be.

She was in a rather peaceful state, the familiarity of the wooden boards creaking under her feet every few steps rather comforting, when she suddenly caught some movement in the darkness ahead. Narrowing her eyes, she tried to make sense of what she had just seen and if she should be alarmed by it. A dark shape at the edge of the bridge was all she managed to make out; when she carefully approached a bit further, she realized it was a person. No one came at this place ever; the new bridge had been built when she was still in kindergarten and with time half the town had basically forgotten that it even existed.

The possibility that someone could be hurt or needing help for some other reason had her picking up her pace once again, reaching the figure just a few seconds later. At which point Beca just stood there, frozen in place; because it wasn’t just any person that was now staring back at her, eyes glowing like live embers in the darkness.

It was Chloe.

And there was just something so fucking familiar in this scene that Beca had suddenly found herself to be a part of. Chloe and she, on this bridge, in the dead of night, Chloe’s eyes piercing right through her…

Her mind couldn’t help but remember.

_**flashback - 2009**_

_“Beca?”_

_“Hm?”_

_Chloe’s soft chuckle lingered in the air around them for a few seconds -like that last music note that always takes some time before it fades into nothingness. Their eyes met in the darkness, across the minimal distance that separated them, as they sat side by side on the edge of the bridge._

_“You asked me here”, Chloe began softly, “and now you’re not saying anything”._

_“It’s just that…” Beca trailed off, her mind unable to put the words in her head in quite the right order to speak them out loud. Chloe was right, though; frustrated with her own self, she ran a hand through her hair. “It’s just that…God damnit, why is this so difficult?”_

_“Bec”, Chloe uttered her name in that gentle way she always did in moments like this; moments when Beca was being too much in her own head, “just talk to me, okay? What is going on?”_

_It was the absolute care that was dripping from every single one of Chloe’s words that had Beca finally asking what she wanted to all along that night and yet didn’t dare to until now._

_“What are we?”_

_“What?”_

_“What are we? I mean, we’ve…you know, done **that** a few times, and we spend time together every day, but that’s nothing new, we used to do that even before… **that** , so I don’t really know… I was just wondering, are we friends with benefits, or like… together, or… Why are you smiling right now?”_

_“Because you’re just too cute”, Chloe explained simply; her answer had Beca extremely glad that it was as dark as it was because Chloe would never let her live down the degree at which she was currently blushing._

_“Dude! I’m being serious here!” she protested, not being able to help but smile even as she was saying that._

_Chloe’s answering smile only made her own wider._

_“I know”, Chloe reassured her. “But you didn’t need to be stressing over this the way you clearly have. We can be whatever we wanna be”._

_“So…”_

_“So what do you want us to be? Friends with benefits?”_

_There was a hint of apprehension in Chloe’s tone; Beca shook her head immediately._

_“No”._

_“Do you want us to be just friends?”_

_“We aren’t **just** friends, not anymore. But no, I don’t want that either”._

_“Do you want us to be together, then? It’s all that remains, really”, Chloe stated matter-of-factly, the teasing evident in her voice._

_And Beca could tease back; she could pretend to think about it, she could ask if there weren’t any more options, she could even pretend to be choosing one of the previous options because “no that just doesn’t sound right, let’s do that other thing instead”._

_But there was such a warm contentment washing over her at that moment, as she was staring into Chloe’s bright, smiling eyes, as she kept replaying the word ‘together’ in her head, that she just nodded her head in agreement._

_“Yeah”, she said quietly, already leaning in, “that’s what I want”._

_**end of flashback**_

“Beca!”

Chloe’s firm tone snapped Beca out of her reverie with a start; she was now staring again into the eyes of the Chloe of the present, not the one of the past.

(They did somehow feel like two different people suddenly)

The one thing Beca noticed was that this Chloe’s eyes weren’t smiling.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, do you wanna sit down? I have beers”.

How surreal her current situation was dawned on Beca a few seconds later, when she found herself sitting side by side with Chloe and sipping at a can of beer as she watched the black waters of the river below and ahead of them. She didn’t really dare look at the woman beside her; mainly because she wouldn’t even know where to begin in finding something –anything- to say.

Chloe had been just so…just so cold when she’d last seen her, at the cemetery. She had seemed more than eager to get away from her then; not that Beca really blamed her but that was a can of worms she had absolutely zero desire to even get near, let alone open.

That was two days ago. They hadn’t seen each other in the meantime. And a few minutes ago, Chloe had invited her to sit down with her and have a beer.

It didn’t make sense, and even that was an understatement.

“I wish I could just stay here”.

Chloe’s quiet tone had Beca unwittingly turning her head to look at her; Chloe just kept staring ahead, though, even as a long exhale left her lips.

“I wish I didn’t have to walk around town everyday and deal with the sympathy looks and the condolences and the whispers… It’s been months, and people just keep- I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it all, but I have Timmy to think about; I can’t just lock myself in the house or run away or be a wreck, I have to think about him. And even that…”

Beca was watching her profile so closely that she caught, even from that angle and in the dark, the small, momentary grimace that crossed her features.

“I don’t even know if I’m being a good mum to him anymore”, Chloe all but whispered, voice thick with emotion. “He used to be such a happy, lively little boy, and now he’s just… And I don’t know how to help him. I don’t even know how to help my own self. And I wish I could take a break from trying to figure it out”.

Maybe it was the beers she’d consumed in the last hours. Maybe it was the cover of the dark that always makes people bolder for some reason. Maybe it was being back at this spot –their spot, a small voice whispered in her ear- and back home in general.

Beca didn’t really know what exactly it was, if it was one of those things or a combination of them or something entirely different, that had her saying what she ended up saying.

“I’m going on a road trip to clear my head and find my inspiration again, starting tomorrow. Come with me”.

It was now Chloe’s turn to turn and look at her, surprise and confusion evident all over her face.

“What?”

“Just come with me. It won’t be for long anyway; you’ll be back before Tim comes back from summer camp. It is still two weeks, right?”

Chloe only nodded, her eyes shining with an intensity that almost had Beca taking her invitation back. Almost.

“Right, so that will be plenty of time; I was thinking of one week, ten days at the most”.

She could see Chloe’s apprehension, her doubts. She could also see how truly tired she looked; defeated was the word that came to her mind, and Beca didn’t like it.

She didn’t like that it actually suited Chloe right now with the way she looked; that spark in her eyes, perhaps her most vivid memory of her that even after all the years and everything that had happened still appeared in the back of her mind from time to time, was now nowhere to be found.

“Chloe”, Beca tried one more time, as softly as she could, “you said you wished you didn’t have to deal with everything right now; you said you wished you could take a break. You can. Just come with me on this road trip”.

Of course, even though she kept trying she didn’t actually think it was going to work. How could it? There was no way Chloe was agreeing to this. Their history, everything that had happened in their past, was more than enough reason.

There was just no way.

“Okay”, Chloe simply said then, an unreadable expression on her face. “Okay. I’ll come”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, okay, that was a lot but at least we'll be on the road by the next one! thank you for reading, i would love to hear your thoughts on this! see you in the next one!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of blood but nothing too major, just to be safe. if you think it will affect you in any way, proceed with caution.  
> Second chapter based on the prompt for the second day of bechloe week: he bit me!  
> when i saw this prompt my first reaction was 'oh no. ...how?!' but i made it work and i'm happy with the way that turned out.  
> actually, this whole chapter was quite the big headache for me, had a severe case of writer's block while writing it -and a couple mental breaksowns because of it, but what's new. editing it just now i'll say i'm rather pleased with how it turned out, though, so i hope you all enjoy!  
> on that note, thank you to everyone who has embarked on this new journey with me, i appreciate all of you!  
> oh and before i forget! the flashbacks that will appear throughout the fic will not be in chronological order, however i do think the timeline of the events portrayed in them will be perfectly deducable.  
> and now, on with the story!

_**flashback - 2009**_

_“Ouch! You stupid-!”_

_“Oh my God, what happened?!”_

_“He bit me!”_

_Beca looked down at her left hand, which she was currently holding with her right; the side of it was aching and stinging quite badly, and it was all because of Chloe’s stupid feline creature that had already rushed out of the room. The bed she was currently sitting on dipped beside her, gentle hands reaching for her injured one a second later._

_Chloe’s soft skin against her own had her heart skipping a beat, the hair at the back of her neck rising as a small –thankfully imperceptible- shiver ran down her spine. Beca hated moments like this; exactly because of how much she didn’t hate them._

_Chloe was her friend. Her best friend, even. Ever since the beginning of the school year, when the physics teacher had made them lab partners, Chloe had literally made it her life’s mission to befriend Beca. A mission Beca wanted to have no part in._

_…Something that lasted for about three months because if Chloe Beale was anything, she was persistent. A freaking constant ray of sunshine and enthusiasm and happiness that never admitted defeat. Like, ever. Beca had learned that about her very quickly._

_Chloe had kept trying and trying, always with a smile on her face; even at those moments when Beca had been borderline rude and mean to her, she hadn’t stopped smiling. Which shouldn’t have made a difference. Not really._

_But there was just something special about Chloe’s smile. It radiated warmth and comfort and genuine care; it offered a sense of peace and contentment the moment it spread on her lips; it lit up her eyes and made them shine even more than usual, that brilliant shade of blue sparkling with all the good things life had to offer._

_After a while, Beca had found it impossible to keep denying that smile. Mainly because it always felt genuine; and -although she wouldn’t admit it out loud even to save her own life- Beca really wanted someone in her life that cared._

_And Chloe did care; her friendship was the best thing in Beca’s life, and it wasn’t even close. She just was so…Beca didn’t even know how to describe her in a way that would make justice everything she was._

_She just was._

_She was Chloe._

_She was Beca’s best friend, and Beca was perfectly content and happy with that. Her brain, however, didn’t seem as content; at least not for the last several weeks. It just kept coming up with the most ridiculous, stupid thoughts and reactions and feelings…she was fucking tired of its nonsense. She wanted it to stop._

_Because Chloe was her best friend. Also because there was no way she would ever feel the same. Absolutely no way. And Beca didn’t want to lose Chloe, not over something like this._

_So she would really appreciate it if her brain just cut the crap and came back to its senses already. Which it would eventually, she was sure; this was a stupid thing that would go away soon enough._

_In the meantime, she just had to keep checking herself and her reactions around Chloe. She had to refrain long enough from making an absolute fool out of herself, and everything would be fine eventually._

_Beca winced as a shot of pain ran through her hand and she refocused her attention on it; only to see that blood had started to appear, small droplets blossoming on her punctured skin._

_Her stomach gave an unpleasant lurch at the sight._

_She hated blood._

_Beca took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to push down the sick feeling that was rising inside her. Wonderful. She was close to throwing up in front of Chloe because of a scratch and a little blood. A small pang ran through her hand this time and she involuntarily shook her head in denial; maybe if she pretended this whole thing wasn’t happening it would just… go away._

_“Beca?”_

_Chloe’s soft question, the way her voice sounded like a caress to every individual letter of her name, had an immediate calming effect on her; gulping down her queasiness she turned her head to the side, to be immediately met with Chloe’s concerned expression._

_“Are you okay?”_

_“Dude. I’m bleeding”, Beca deadpanned without missing a beat._

_For a few seconds there was absolute silence between them, before Beca watched as Chloe’s expression started to shift. It took her a moment, but the way Chloe was pressing her lips together was clear indication of what was happening._

_“Is my suffering amusing to you?”_

_Her mock indignation was met with Chloe’s melodious giggle, the sweet sound causing a feeling akin to melted hot chocolate to course through her entire body. She did fight it; but as Chloe’s smiling, bright eyes found her own again a small chuckle fell from her lips._

_“I’m gonna go get some things to patch you up, alright?” Chloe said as she stood up, letting go of her hand in the process. Beca had the momentary urge to reach for Chloe’s hand again. “I’ll be right back, you stay put!”_

_Not even two minutes later Chloe came back carrying a small first-aid kit, which she immediately proceeded to place on the bed and open. There was such a serious, concentrated expression on her face as she rummaged through its contents to get what she needed that Beca couldn’t help but stare. Not at what she was doing but at her face; there was just something about Chloe focusing her full attention on a task, an intensity that was thoroughly captivating to watch._

_“Beca?”_

_“Hm?”_

_Beca hadn’t realized how lost she had been in her own –entirely inappropriate- thoughts; or the fact that she’d been basically drooling for the last however many seconds. Focusing back to reality now, she saw the small, gentle smile on Chloe’s lips as she was looking almost teasingly at her, an eyebrow slightly arched. As if she knew._

_The mere thought had blood rushing to Beca’s face; the fact that she was blushing making her blush even harder. Fucking fantastic._

_“What?” she asked, her voice coming out a bit more high-pitched than usual._

_Thankfully, Chloe didn’t comment on it._

_“Just give me your hand”, she requested softly, her smile still lingering as she sat back down beside her._

_Having Chloe holding her hand and taking care of her while sitting so close to her and fully concentrating on what she was doing… Beca knew she was testing her luck with how intensely she was staring at her again._

_She just couldn’t help it; they were so close and Chloe was so…_

_So beautiful. The most beautiful girl Beca had ever seen._

_A second later, when it registered to her what she’d just been thinking, she bodily recoiled and dropped her gaze from Chloe’s face. She was being so fucking stupid._

_“I’m sorry, did it sting?”_

_Beca shook her head, refusing to meet her eyes; she could feel how red her face was, how fast her heart was beating, how the hand Chloe was holding was starting to sweat._

_“Bec”._

_Beca really didn’t want to look at Chloe right then; this was so embarrassing._

_And yet, she found herself incapable of refusing Chloe’s implied request to do so. Their eyes met, and the look in those captivating blues had her heart skipping a beat. There was just something so tender in them, and a wave of calmness washed over her. Even though there was also something knowing in their depths._

_“You’re okay”, was all Chloe said, voice barely above a whisper._

_And Beca knew she could just be meaning her hand and the small injury. That was almost definitely what she’d meant._

_But as she took in her soft smile, as she kept being engulfed in the warmth of her gaze, a small part of her couldn’t help but think –as crazy as the thought was- that maybe, just maybe, Chloe’s words could be about something completely different._

_**end of flashback**_

The loud sound of a door closing ended Beca’s trip down memory lane so abruptly she jumped and instinctively sat straighter in her car seat. Turning her head to the side she observed Chloe as she locked the front door of her house to then start walking towards her, carrying a large duffel bag with her right hand, a backpack propped on her left shoulder. She wasn’t looking at Beca as she approached the car, her eyes fixed on the ground instead; which allowed Beca to observe her freely for a few seconds.

It was all it took for her anxiety to spike. Chloe was coming towards her car, with her luggage, so they could go on a road trip. Together. For more than a week; maybe even two weeks. How was this her life right now?

She had asked for this obviously; she was the one to propose it in the first place, insist even. But until this moment it hadn’t felt actually real. How could it, after everything? How could it, with so many memories and years and things –so many things- left unsaid separating them?

And yet, it was happening; the sound of the trunk of her car closing was undeniable proof of that. Pieces of the memory she’d revisited mere minutes earlier flashed through Beca’s mind; she didn’t know why her brain kept doing this. She hadn’t thought of all that in actual years, and now there she was; remembering, in the span of a few hours, moment after moment of a past long gone.

She didn’t want to remember all that; any of it. She had moved on long ago.

The passenger side door opened and Chloe climbed into the seat; the sound of the door closing a second later reverberating loudly in the small space. Or at least it did in Beca’s mind, a sense of finality overtaking her.

This was happening.

Her grip tightened on the steering wheel and she took a deep breath to steady herself.

“Beca?”

Beca shut her eyes at the sound of her name; there was something so familiar at it being spoken by Chloe, and yet something so foreign. Maybe because she wasn’t used to hearing it from her anymore. Or maybe because it had never been uttered so devoid of warmth before.

“Beca”.

But this was still Chloe saying her name; this was still Chloe, period. Chloe, who had suffered so much lately, whose whole life had been turned upside down and desperately needed a break. Chloe, who had accepted Beca’s offer to help her escape from a place and reality that kept hurting her, even just for a little while.

This was Chloe.

Beca’s eyes snapped open and she turned to look at the woman beside her who was staring curiously at her; the small hint of worry in her eyes was almost imperceptible, but Beca still caught it.

“Everything alright?” Chloe questioned then; her tone perfectly polite, almost indifferent.

Now that Beca was actually paying attention she could feel Chloe’s tension coming off of her in waves. Gone was the woman from the night before, vulnerable and open and honest; it seemed the beers she had consumed had made all the difference. She was so closed off now that it was almost as if they weren’t more than distant acquaintances.

Beca forced a small smile on her face.

Despite the coldness, Chloe did need this; and she had accepted to take this road trip with Beca. She had agreed to go with her.

This was still Chloe.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine”, Beca reassured her as convincingly as she could before turning the key in the ignition.

* * *

“So where are we gonna end up tonight?”

About an hour had passed since they’d left Edinburgh; besides a few words about turning on the radio or connecting a phone to the car’s sound system, nothing else had been said between them thus far. Which was why Beca was a little startled when she heard Chloe addressing her; she threw only a glance at her, choosing to keep her focus on the road.

“Um… I don’t know. Not much planning usually involved in a road trip, so I guess…Wherever we end up by the time we wanna stop?”

“What if we wanna stop and we’re in the middle of nowhere? We’ll then have to keep driving forward or turn back, and neither of those will be what we’ll want to be doing. And what if it’s dark by then, that-”

“Alright, alright!”, Beca cut her off, holding back a small chuckle that had wanted to escape. Chloe had always had the intense need to make sure that things would be running smoothly, no matter the situation; apparently, that hadn’t changed. “Check the glove compartment, there’s a map I think”.

From the corner of her eye Beca saw Chloe doing as she was told, retrieving the map a second later and unfolding it. Silence fell between them again for a short moment, Chloe entirely focused on it as it lay on her lap; Beca couldn’t help but smile the smallest smile as she stole another glance at her. Things felt more familiar and comfortable already.

Maybe this whole thing didn’t have to be as awkward or tense as she’d genuinely expected it to be.

“Okay, so according to this… Wait, how many miles will we be covering today?”

“How should I know? Depends on how far we wanna go, really”, Beca replied, trying to keep her amusement off her tone. Yes, Chloe taking things like this way too seriously was very familiar. There was a sense of comfort in the knowledge that, at least in that regard, she hadn’t changed.

“How many miles can we cover in a safe, normal speed in about eight to nine hours?”

“Um…About…500, I’d say?”

From the corner of her eye Beca saw Chloe focusing on the map again, lifting it closer to her eyes so she could decipher the miniscule letters and numbers.

“Alright, that would bring us… to Columbus, Missouri”, Chloe proclaimed, folding the map. “There’s no significant crossroads up ahead, we’ll just have to follow any signs we might come across and we should be fine”.

Beca couldn’t withhold her chuckle this time.

“We’ll be fine either way, Chloe. What’s the worst that could happen, us getting lost? It’s a road trip, even that would be okay”.

“Well you may be able to afford getting yourself into trouble, but I’m not. I have a son to return to, and I’m all he has left”, Chloe shot back without missing a beat, a renewed coldness dripping from her every word.

The silence that filled the car after her statement was deafening. It really felt to Beca like time had stopped; what did one say to this? Where could she even begin to try and find what to say?

It was as if she had suddenly being submerged into freezing, dark waters; the cold reaching deep into her bones and almost making her shiver despite the warm, sun-filled inside of the car. She knew she had to swim, though; she couldn’t just leave those words hanging in the air unanswered, could she?

Well, she could. But she had to try.

“You should also look after yourself, though”, she finally said, voice as soft and unthreatening as she could make it. “You do need a break; you’ve earned it”.

“You don’t take a break from being a parent, Beca. I can’t just not care about the consequences of my actions, I’m not the only one they will be affecting”.

“That’s not what I meant”.

“Then what **did** you mean?”

Beca tightened her grip on the steering wheel, eyes remaining glued to the road; not looking at Chloe seemed like the better choice at the moment.

“All I’m saying is, you need some time to actually relax before you go back and resume your life; you can’t afford being a wreck for Timmy’s sake, right? So you gotta take this time we’ll be on the road and make yourself a priority”.

“Are you **actually** giving me **parenting** advice right now?”

“No, dude! It’s you who said you didn’t know how to help your son anymore! It’s you who said you needed a break!”

As soon as the last of her words had left her mouth, Beca regretted saying them; well no, not the words per se. But she did regret raising her voice and losing her cool. Guilt settling in the pit of her stomach, she turned her head to look at Chloe, splitting her attention between her and the road. She barely managed to catch a vulnerable, almost embarrassed look as it passed over Chloe’s features; it wasn’t more than a couple seconds before it disappeared.

“Chloe, I’m-”

“Last night I was drunk, okay? I said a lot of things, and I didn’t mean even half of them”.

“You don’t have to-”

“So I would really appreciate it”, Chloe continued as if she hadn’t heard her, “if you didn’t mention any of it again”.

“You said what you felt, and that’s not-”

“I was drunk, Beca”, Chloe cut her off resolutely; Beca could feel her eyes burning into her profile. “And that wasn’t really a request. I’m not discussing this; now or ever”.

Beca chanced a brief look at her but Chloe’s head was already turned away from her as she was looking outside the passenger’s door window now. Beca released a quiet sigh, returning her full attention to the road. She couldn’t press this any more than she already had; it wasn’t her place and it wouldn’t do any good anyway, judging from Chloe’s reaction and demeanor.

And that thing about there not being as much awkwardness and tension as she’d expected? Yeah… that hadn’t lasted very long.

* * *

“Hi, baby! How are you?... Yeah? I’m very glad! Are you having fun?... Oh, you swam in a pool?! That sounds so exciting, how was it?!”

Beca parked the car carefully in front of the small diner, all the while listening attentively to Chloe talking on the phone with Timmy. With unhurried movements she pulled the break and turned off the engine, before turning her head to look at Chloe. She was listening with such rapt attention to whatever the little boy was telling her about his pool adventures on the other end of the line that Beca couldn’t help but smile.

The rest of the morning -after their little…disagreement? fight? whatever that thing that had happened between them could be called- had been spent in absolute silence; Chloe hadn’t said a single word to her and Beca had chosen to do the same. She absolutely didn’t want to make things even worse between them, and since she had no idea what to say –if there was anything at all- to make things better, she’d opted for keeping her mouth shut.

So right now, watching Chloe finally talk –even if it wasn’t directed at her-, watching her eyes sparkle with love and joy at the sound of her son’s voice and at his apparent excitement and happiness, was weirdly soothing and heart-warming. Beca had no idea why that was. Nevertheless, she was relieved in seeing that change; even though it had nothing to do with Beca herself, it was still nice to witness.

Beca hadn’t realized she’d been staring at Chloe –for who knows how many long seconds- before Chloe herself noticed it; even though Chloe didn’t say anything, there was a seriousness that overtook her features as soon as their eyes met. It caused the small smile to fall immediately from Beca’s lips; withholding a sigh, she motioned silently towards the diner, her eyebrows lifting in question. Phone still held at her ear, it took Chloe a short moment before she nodded, proceeding with getting out of the car the next second.

The sound of the passenger’s side door closing had Beca releasing that sigh after all; she felt strangely drained and on edge at the same time, and it was only 1pm on the first day of this damn road trip. Her gaze drifted towards Chloe who was standing a few feet away, still talking on the phone and apparently waiting for her. Beca exhaled audibly before pulling the keys from the ignition and stuffing them in her pocket, and exiting the car herself.

They had already been sitting at a table in the bustling diner for a minute or two before Chloe ended the call, allowing her cell phone to drop on the wooden, timeworn surface in front of her with a small thud. Beca had been perusing the menu in an attempt to offer her some sense of privacy, but the sound pulled her attention back to her like a magnet; just in time to watch Chloe run a hand down her face, her eyes closing as she exhaled slowly.

“Everything alright?” Beca couldn’t stop herself from asking, brow knitted in mild concern.

Chloe nodded immediately but it still took a few seconds before she reopened her eyes; the fact that she didn’t seem to even think of it before meeting Beca’s gaze Beca had to categorize as progress –no matter how foolish doing so felt. It was something, and she would take it; and gladly.

“Everything’s okay; Timmy has been having the best of time so far. If I let him I’m sure he could go on for **hours** about every little thing, he’s so excited”.

It was back, that sparkle in Chloe’s eyes from earlier; she was even smiling, and Beca smiled in return. She couldn’t help it.

“Who wouldn’t be excited when presented with a **pool**?”

“Right”, Chloe chuckled; shaking her head in amusement she pulled the second menu in front of her and started to scan its contents.

Beca had the sudden strong urge to keep the conversation going, an urge that five minutes earlier she would have absolutely not given into; things were actually –miraculously- quite comfortable between them again, and she’d very much like for them to stay that way. However, the soft smile that still lingered on Chloe’s lips had the words spilling out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“It’s great that he was able to go. They didn’t use to allow children under seven, if I remember correctly”.

“Oh, they still don’t”, Chloe replied absentmindedly, eyes still focused on the menu. “But Timmy wanted so much to go, so I convinced them to make an exception”.

“Of course you did”, Beca supplied in good-natured amusement as she leaned back in her chair; the fact that Chloe chuckled at her light teasing as she leaned a little closer to the menu to read something had almost all the remaining tension falling away from Beca’s shoulders.

Yes, this was definitely progress.

“It’s not like it was a big accomplishment or anything; I barely had to try, really”.

“You don’t need to get all smug about your persuasive abilities”.

It was a giggle that escaped Chloe this time as she rolled her eyes; Beca’s cheeks were starting to hurt by how big she was smiling.

“I’m not! I mean, I did have to pay extra for someone to be watching over him specifically and we had to smooth some other minor things over as well, but other than that… I basically just asked, and they agreed”.

“Right”, Beca pretended to agree before she chuckled. “I’m sure if it was anybody else they would never have agreed, no matter how much smoothing over of the finer details was attempted”.

Before she had even finished what she was saying Chloe’s full attention had snapped back to her, the menu now laying completely forgotten in front of her. She wasn’t smiling anymore; she had actually become so serious in such a short time that it was quite jarring. It caused a sense of panic to wash over Beca, the most unpleasant feeling settling at the pit of her stomach.

She had obviously said something very, very wrong. Chloe just kept staring at her, her eyes pinning her down with the intensity they now carried, and Beca quickly ran over her words in her mind, unable to do anything but stare back.

When it clicked she almost face palmed; she was such a fucking idiot!

“Yes, Beca, I’m sure about that as well”, Chloe finally spoke, a chilling coldness to her tone; each word felt to Beca like a physical blow. “Seeing as my son’s father recently **dying** was the reason they made an allowance for him”.

She had to apologize; that was the only clear thought seemingly remaining inside Beca’s mind. She had to try and salvage the situation. She’d said such an inconsiderate fucking thing; she absolutely had to apologize.

In the split second it took for her to open her mouth in order to do just that, another thought hit her; what if she shouldn’t? What if Chloe just wanted her to shut up? She had tried apologizing earlier as well, in the car; and Chloe had wanted none of it.

“Hello, welcome to Johny’s! What can I get you?”

Beca almost jumped and whipped her head to the side; the waitress that was standing by their table was now looking curiously at them, her eyes shifting between her and Chloe. The last thing Beca had wanted right then was an interruption; as soon as she got her bearings back a short moment later, she cursed inwardly.

“Well”, she rushed to speak, wanting the waitress gone as soon as possible, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, no pickles, and she’ll have a chicken salad with extra corn; and no drinks, thank you”.

“Actually”, Chloe began, dragging out the syllables of the word, and Beca turned to look at her; the icy look in her eyes was directed squarely at her, even as she addressed the waitress, “no extra corn for me; no corn at all, frankly”. Feeling her throat suddenly dry, Beca gulped. “I don’t like corn anymore”.

“Alrighty! Coming right up!” the waitress supplied cheerfully before she basically scurried away.

Beca couldn’t really blame her; the desire to do the same was currently quite prominent.

“Chloe, I’m really-”

“Just leave it, Beca; it’s fine”.

Chloe wasn’t even looking at her now, instead focusing back on the menu; something she clearly didn’t need to be doing anymore. The stony expression on her face had the unpleasant feeling inside Beca spreading further and reaching her heart quickly.

It felt like an ice-cold vice was squeezing it tightly, applying nearly suffocating pressure; it almost made her flinch.

“Chloe, I never meant-”

“I said drop it!” Chloe cut her off loudly, her eyes piercing right through her with the same force as a knife would; Beca physically recoiled. “This conversation is over; let’s just eat our food and go”.

The silence that fell between them then remained long after they’d left the diner miles behind them; as did the sharp coldness in Beca’s heart.

* * *

Beca unlocked the door to their motel room and stepped inside, turning the lights on in the process before she let her duffel bag fall haphazardly to the floor. It was still only 8pm and yet she felt tired deep in her bones.

It had been a long day. Such a fucking long day, and all she really wanted was to take a hot shower and crawl into bed.

“Great. Just **great** ”, she heard Chloe say just then, her annoyance more than evident in her tone.

Beca couldn’t help the small sigh that escaped her before she turned around to face her and see what the problem was. What she found was Chloe staring at the singular double bed that stood at the other side of the -quite spacious, truth be told- room, hands resting on her hips and mouth pursed in a thin line of utter disapproval.

“This is ridiculous”, Chloe stated, so firmly that it was as if she dared anyone to even attempt to disagree.

Beca didn’t even think to try; instead she just shook her head dejectedly and crouched down, opening her duffel bag and starting to rummage through its contents, her back to Chloe. She really just wanted to be done with this hell of a day; maybe the next one would be better. Maybe.

Probably not, but it still would be a new one.

And maybe if she didn’t respond Chloe would just let her have that.

“How is it that this town has only **one** motel with **any** vacancy”, Chloe continued –because of course she would-, “and the one that **does** have some vacancy doesn’t even have rooms with **two** beds? How is this whole thing possible? Like, this is a small town; it’s not supposed to have **so** many visitors that we can’t find a **single** proper room **anywhere** in it!”

Beca couldn’t help another sigh from escaping her; Chloe had been complaining about this since they’d gotten the key to their room. It wasn’t like there was any point in talking about it either.

“Chloe”, Beca began, tone as calm and placating as she could make it in her own mounting annoyance, “it will be fine. There’s a couch right there”, she motioned without looking at the general direction of the furniture she’d glimpsed earlier, “so it’s not such a big issue”.

“We are not paying to sleep on a couch, are we?” Chloe shot back and Beca exhaled slowly, consciously making an effort to just remain busy with retrieving what she needed from her bag and definitely not get even more annoyed; which was proving to be extremely difficult in her tired state, especially as Chloe just _wouldn’t stop talking_. “We are paying to sleep in a bed, so the existence of this couch is no big consolation to me!”

“Why are you pushing this? How is discussing this right now going to help in **any** way?”

“Well okay, it’s not, but I’m frustrated and wanted to vent”, Chloe replied after a beat, her voice lacking some of its earlier tension that kept grinding Beca’s gears; only now it was what Chloe had chosen to say that had done just that.

“No reason to be frustrated; this was your choice anyway”, Beca said quietly before she was able to catch herself; not so quietly that Chloe didn’t hear her, though.

“Excuse me? When did I say I wanted a room with one bed?”

Her tone had returned to its previous, deeply annoying to Beca, tone; it was getting more and more difficult for Beca to keep her cool. And she had to because she truly didn’t want to do this whole thing right now; she had absolutely no desire to get into a pointless fight with Chloe about such a stupid fucking issue, that wasn’t even an issue in the first place. They would make the one-bed situation work, no biggie. There was a couch. It was fine.

She should stop talking and just go on with her plan; shower and then straight to bed. She definitely should.

“I proposed we got two separate rooms when the man in the front told us about the bed; **you** said no. You wanted the one room, insisted even. So”.

So much for not continuing with the talking.

“You know why I insisted, Beca, and it had **nothing** to do with wanting one bed instead of two!”

Beca really couldn’t take this anymore; she stood up abruptly and whipped around to face Chloe. The fact that she was still standing at the same spot, hands still on her hips and looking at her as if it was Beca who was in the wrong here, only helped her annoyance to grow that much more. She was too tired for this bullshit of an argument.

“Yeah, I know! Which is why I didn’t insist on the separate rooms; although I apparently should have!”

“What’s **that** supposed to mean?”

“Dude, you’ve talked my ear off with all the complaining since we walked through the door; **literally**!” Beca shot back incredulously. “Paying for two rooms instead of one sounds **extremely** appealing right now!”

“Right! Well I’m sorry we don’t all have as much money as you to be able to just **throw** it around!”

It took a couple of seconds for Beca to recover from the shock Chloe’s words had caused her. The moment her words had fully sunk in, she was done. No, she was done with trying to stay even the tiniest bit calm and collected.

She was done.

“This is not- I never asked you to spend more money than you could, Chloe! I even offered to pay for us to get the two rooms; I offered to pay in general even, for everything! **You** said you didn’t want to!”

“Of **course** I don’t want to!”

They were both shouting at this point; their voices reverberating off the worn walls, on which the faded tapestry was starting to peel off at places.

“I don’t want or need you paying for me, Beca! I’m an **adult** , with a **job** ; it may not be as fancy as **yours** , but I can handle my own expenses!”

“I never said- Ugh!” Beca exclaimed in utter frustration. She could feel her mind struggle to come up with any kind of coherent sentence to respond with. This is how ridiculous this argument was; she was literally running out of words to say! “You don’t like the room, I was offering a solution! This **isn’t** about **money**!”

“Easy for **you** to say!” Chloe yelled back, seemingly not having the same trouble as Beca in finding more things to say. “But as always, you just simplify things the way it suits **you**! You arrange them in your head in **just** the right way for you and to hell with anyone else involved!”

Now Beca really had nothing more to say; Chloe’s words had felt like a physical blow and she was left standing there, rooted to the spot and staring at her in disbelief. Not because of what she’d said; no, that… that Beca didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to even touch upon.

She just couldn’t believe suddenly that the woman in front of her, who was now breathing harder than normal, eyes ablaze with a chilling anger, was Chloe. She knew Chloe; at least she used to. This woman was being…intentionally hurtful.

The realization had all of Beca’s exhaustion from earlier crashing back onto her with a force that knocked the air out of her lungs. Taking a deep breath she shook her head gently; dejectedly.

Making assumptions, having expectations even, about who Chloe was ten years and a whole lifetime later… she had no one else to blame about how she was currently left feeling but herself.

“If you have such an opinion about me, why did you come along, Chloe?” Beca questioned; her voice as small and defeated as she felt. “Why did you want to?”

“Because I want to be more than a shell of a mum for my son when he returns home; it’s the least he deserves. I needed a change of scenery, I needed to escape for a little while”, Chloe explained, the coldness in her tone sending a small shiver down Beca’s back, “and you were familiar and you asked. You kept asking. So I told myself that I would come and it would be fine; this is what I needed and I could just ignore the ‘you’ aspect of the trip”, Chloe concluded. She hadn’t hesitated, she hadn’t faltered – not even the tiniest bit, not on a single word- while she’d been talking.

The silence that fell between them then stretched and expanded and engulfed the whole room in its suffocating grasp; at least that’s how it felt to Beca. And yet, she didn’t break it. She couldn’t. Not even when, after who knows how many endless seconds, Chloe nodded once and finally averted her gaze.

Beca just stood there and watched her as she rummaged through the contents of her duffel bag, as she retrieved what she apparently had been searching for, as she walked towards the bathroom and entered it, shutting the door behind her… She just stood there, left alone in the now absolute stillness of the room.

It still felt so suffocating…

She needed some air.

Beca turned around mechanically and a couple seconds later she was walking out the door, hearing it close quietly behind her as she inhaled deeply into the pleasantly cool summer night. This time, though, she didn’t just stand there; she kept walking.

She had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, okay that was quite the first day of the roadtrip huh? thank you for reading, i would love to hear your thoughts on this! see you tomorrow in the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter based on the prompt for the third day of bechloe week: drunk texts  
> this chapter was back to being a delight to write, and i quite like the way it turned out! this is quite the dive into beca's mind (i always love doing those) and i really hope you enjoy it the way i enjoyed doing it!  
> on that note, thank you to everyone who's accompanying me in this new adventure, i appreciate all of you!  
> oh also, some clarification in case it's been confusing: beca and chloe are the same age in this story. they were seniors in high school in 2009-2010, so they graduated in 2010. the present time for this story is the same as ours, so 2020.  
> alright! and now, on with the story!

The music in the small dive bar was thankfully not too loud; it could still be heard over the loud buzzing of voices and the occasional booming laughter that made the bustling space feel even more crowded than it actually was. However, the lighting was dim enough to offer an adequate illusion of privacy and solitude to those who were looking for exactly that.

Beca downed the remaining scotch in her glass in one big gulp, welcoming the slight burning sensation as the strong liquor trickled down her throat. Putting the now empty tumbler back down on the worn, kinda sticky bar she motioned the waitress over for a refill. The woman eyed her for a second, seemingly hesitating, before she grabbed the bottle and approached the spot where Beca had been sitting for the past fourty minutes give or take; Beca tried not to get annoyed at that look, choosing to focus her attention on the amber liquid as it was poured into her glass instead.

She knew this was her third drink in what one could call too short of an amount of time.

Whatever.

This was a bar, right? People came here to drink. That’s what she was doing.

She didn’t need the judgment, or the concern.

Once the glass in front of her was full once again she dismissed the waitress with a nod, eyes never leaving its contents. Logically, she knew that drinking was helping or solving nothing; it never did. It had a thin fog spreading over her brain and making her thoughts quiet down some, though.

She would take that. Even just for a few hours, until the alcohol left her system and she had to return to the full harshness of reality, she would take that.

She just needed a moment. A small break, from everything. That’s all she wanted.

Beca reached for the glass, her fingers tracing over its smooth surface absentmindedly. Its contents might be able to numb her brain, but that dull ache in her chest… that hadn’t diminished in the slightest. She didn’t want to admit even to herself that that might have actually gotten worse since she’d started drinking. She had trouble admitting that it was even there to begin with; because it had absolutely no reason to be. Right?

Beca sighed before raising the tumbler to her lips and taking a long sip. She was truly pathetic, wasn’t she? Moping over a fight she shouldn’t even care about while getting drunk in a dive bar all by herself. The thought almost made her chuckle; what had her life even become?

It was then that her brain chose to circle back to a certain part of her previous thought, and the small smile that had tugged at the corners of her lips slowly fell away. _A fight she shouldn’t even care about._ And yet, there she was. Caring; maybe too much. Maybe about things she shouldn’t. No, not maybe. About things she definitely shouldn’t.

Beca scoffed and took another sip. The fact that she shouldn’t had certainly not stopped her from caring; that’s how she’d found herself where she currently was, drowning her sorrows –she cringed internally at that- away, anyway. That’s how she’d found herself asking what she’d asked last night and taking this road trip not alone. Everything that was happening was her own damn fault.

But how could she not care, a small voice in the back of her head whispered to her. How could she not care? Even after all the years and the distance and the choices, everything that had landed her in the present and had shaped it the way it was, how could she not?

She was still Beca.

It was still her; it was still Chloe.

And it shouldn’t be this simple. It wasn’t.

But unfortunately, when it came down to it… it also was.

Beca rested her elbow on the bar and leaned a bit forward, running a hand through her hair before she gripped at it at the base of her skull and closed her eyes.

This road trip… She was supposed to go on the road for a couple of weeks, see a few places along the way, recharge her batteries, and return to her life as good as new. She was supposed to relax and get her inspiration back. Apart from the seeing a few places part, she really doubted she’d manage to do any of the rest of that the way things were going. What had she been thinking? How had she not expected this outcome?

Or had she? She honestly couldn’t tell, and the reason for that was that she hadn’t thought things through; at all. Chloe had obviously needed help. She could offer it to her. So she had. Fast forward twenty four hours and things had already fallen apart. Because of course they had, and she couldn’t even be mad at Chloe for that. Not really.

After all, she hadn’t forgotten how things had gone back then. She had just hoped that maybe –maybe!- after all these years Chloe… A fucking idiot to even dare to hope even for one second, was what she was.

Beca released her grip on her hair with a long exhale and opened her eyes, squinting a bit despite the dim lighting. Reaching for her glass again she took another sip. The tumbler was half empty already, she noted fleetingly as she started swirling it, its contents following the steady motion of her wrist. The way things had gone earlier…she couldn’t help but regret, and she didn’t even know what exactly she was regretting.

She had never regretted her life choices; the ones that had brought her to LA, to her career and her life there. She had regretted other choices of course; the way she’d handled things with Chloe being the main one. But as time passed that regret had been lost among all the new things she’d been experiencing, the new life she’d been building for herself…it had been lost under the reality of fighting for, and eventually living, her dreams. She’d ended up justifying it even. She still did, for many reasons.

The big gulp she took of her drink had her wincing slightly and she cleared her throat to get rid of the lingering burn. That was a whole fucking can of worms she wasn’t willing to even get near, let alone open. But there were other things, other choices, that had also brought them where they currently were; shattered into a million pieces, with no tangible hope of ever being able to repair the damage.

Beca did chuckle this time at how dramatic that thought was, but there was no humor in it; it dripped with bitterness instead, because it may have been dramatic but it was also the truth. It really felt like it was. Draining her glass, she motioned for another.

They had been friends once. Best friends. And then they had become more. They had complicated things, put their friendship on the line. And when the inevitable choices had been made… Beca couldn’t help but think that, if they hadn’t gone down that road they’d be fine now. Right? Whenever feelings got involved, things tended to implode with much more catastrophic results. Yes, other choices had led them to their current situation as well, but if they’d remained friends instead of venturing further…

An overwhelming sense of regret washed over her then and she downed almost half of her newly poured drink without even noticing the burn this time. She could have had her friend all these years; she could have had her still, if they’d both chosen differently. Could she? Maybe. Possibly. She couldn’t say, not with absolute certainty.

What she knew –she knew; she had realized it as soon as she’d laid eyes back on her, no matter if she wouldn’t admit it until now- was that she missed her; she missed _that_ Chloe. She missed her friend, and she had been missing her this whole time. They should have never crossed that line.

Beca had brought the half-empty tumbler to her lips once more, blinking away the weird blurriness that suddenly had affected her vision –what was that about?-, when her cell phone chimed with a new text. Her gaze automatically drifted to its screen as she took a sip from her drink, forgetting to swallow for a second as she stared at the name it displayed in utter disbelief.

_Chlo_

She didn’t even read what the actual text was saying; her eyes kept going over every letter of the small word again and again until the screen went dark once more. She had never changed the name of the contact; she knew she hadn’t and yet actually seeing the name, and seeing it displayed this way…

And they hadn’t traded numbers since they’d met up again, she realized as she finally swallowed; the only rational conclusion being –she barely even dared to think it- that Chloe still had her number.

Chloe had kept her number.

Obviously. She’d just texted her.

Beca was suddenly very aware of how strongly the taste of the scotch was lingering on her tongue and she tried to gulp it down mechanically, the only thought on her mind being that damn text –and that name. _That_ name.

Her brain made the connection in an instant.

_**flashback – 2009**_

_“This isn’t my room”._

_“No, it’s not, Chlo. It’s **my** room, you asked me to bring you here because you didn’t want your parents seeing you drunk, remember?”_

_“Of course I remember, because I’m **not** drunk!”_

_“Of course you aren’t; definitely not- whoa dude, careful!”_

_“I’m fine, I’m fine! I’m sitting on your bed now, see? Totally fi- wow this bed is **so soft** , Bec! **So** nice!”_

_“Please stop bouncing on the bed, I have no desire trying to get you up from the floor when you eventually end up on it”._

_“You’re no fun”._

_“I’ve been told”._

_“You really need to loosen up once in a- Where are you going?”_

_“To the kitchen to get you some water”._

_“No, don’t! What if you wake up your dad; he’s definitely not gonna like that, and what if he finds me like this and he asks me to go home or calls my parents or asks me to do drills or some-”_

_“Chlo!”_

_“What? Why are you yelling at me? And what if you just woke up-”_

_“I’m not yelling at you; and my dad is not home, remember? I **told** you that when you said you didn’t wanna go home. **Remember** , Chlo?”_

_“Um…right! Of **course** I remember, I just forgot for a second because it was kinda confusing, and- What? Stop looking at me like that, I’m **not** drunk!”_

_“Obviously not. Obviously”._

_“Exactly. Wait, where are you going?”_

_Beca couldn’t help but sigh at that, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips; even though she was trying not to show it, she was far from annoyed. There was just something so endearing to Chloe’s antics right now. It had warmth spreading inside her chest and her heart skipping beats at almost every new cute thing she said. Which wasn’t good; not good at all, Beca had to remind herself, shaking her head to stop her train of thought on its tracks. Chloe’s cat’s attack had been just two weeks ago, and she’d promised herself right after it that she’d get rid of all the stupid fucking feelings she was having for her best friend._

_And that was exactly the point. Chloe was her best friend, and she wasn’t ruining that. Not for something so ridiculous._

_“I’m going to- You know what, doesn’t matter; I’ll be right back, just stay right where you are, alright? Just sit on the nice, comfy bed and I’ll be right back. Okay, Chlo?”_

_“Alright, **fine**! You’re **so** no fun”._

_Beca chuckled at that and with a last look at Chloe she walked quickly out of the room, heading for the stairs. It took less than a minute to dash down the steps and into the dark kitchen, retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge, dash back upstairs and into her room. It literally took her less than a minute._

_So how the hell was it possible that Chloe –a very drunk, very clumsy Chloe- had managed to get rid of her heels and dress at that time? How? The universe hated her with a burning passion, was the only reasonable explanation._

_Beca could really not be blamed for freezing in her tracks and just staring at her, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, right? This was Chloe Beale after all. A half naked Chloe Beale –Beca knew that the matching set of black underwear would be forever etched in her mind, gosh darn it!- that was currently standing in the middle of her bedroom, slightly messy red curls cascading down her back, fit figure illuminated by the lamp across the street in just the right way, cell phone held in her hands- Wait, what?_

_“Chlo, what are you doing?”_

_“I’m texting Tom”, was the all-too-casual reply; so casual that it threw Beca off for a second. Just for a second, though._

_As soon as her brain had managed to grasp what she’d just heard she quickly approached Chloe and snatched the device out of her hands, immediately hiding it behind her back._

_“Hey, give it back!”_

_“No, absolutely not! You’re not sending drunk texts to your ex, as a friend I can’t let- No, Chloe get off of me, get- Dude, stop it! I’m not giving it back to you, you- Chloe stop! Stop, I- Oh my God!” Beca squealed as she shut her eyes tightly entirely on instinct._

_Chloe’s thrashing around while trying to get her phone back had caused Beca to lose her balance and they both stumbled backwards, gravity taking the wheel from there. Beca braced for impact as she held onto Chloe tightly to make sure she wouldn’t get hurt as they were falling, every curse word she knew flashing through her mind. There was no way they were getting out of this without breaking something, no way in hell, and it was all Chloe’s fault that Beca would be left a paraplegic for the rest of her life and why did she have to be like this and get drunk and decide to text her ex in her underwear- wait, the underwear part had nothing to do with anyth-_

_The air getting knocked out of her as Chloe landed on her had Beca’s inner ramblings come to an abrupt end; eyes still tightly shut she waited for the inevitable pain to wash over her. It never did, though, and next thing she knew Chloe was giggling into her ear, her entire body shaking in her amusement; the shiver that ran down Beca’s spine was entirely involuntary and she sat it decisively aside as she tried to get her bearings back and understand what had happened._

_“We fell”, Chloe provided –entirely unhelpfully- just as Beca felt the familiar softness of her mattress under her._

_They’d fallen on the bed._

_Beca released a loud sigh of relief, her arms tightening mechanically around Chloe as her pulse started to return to normal._

_Started to. Until another realization hit her full force, and her heart was back to hammering against her chest; they had fallen on the bed. They were on her bed, Chloe on top of her, in her underwear._

_The universe did truly hate her._

_Beca carefully released her grip around Chloe’s back –ignoring as best as she could the feeling of her bare skin under her palms- and pushed her gently back by her shoulders to be able to look at her. When their eyes met she had to try really hard not to get completely lost in those infinite pools of clear blue. It was quite the task; Chloe had stopped giggling now but her eyes were still sparkling with joy and laughter and Beca’s stomach clenched at the sight; so freaking beautiful. And they were still so damn close…_

_“We fell”, Chloe repeated, much more quietly this time; the laughter still in her voice had Beca rolling her eyes._

_“Of course we did, dude, you’re drunk! Why would you even try to text your ex while drunk, you know better!”_

_“Hey, I was texting him to tell him I’m not getting back with him!”_

_“Wait, when did he ask you to get back with him?”_

_“He didn’t”, Chloe explained nonchalantly. “I was just telling him that I wasn’t”._

_Beca was left staring up at Chloe, unsure what to say for a second. Who… Who did that? Why would she-_

_“Dude”, she deadpanned, “you’re so drunk”._

_She expected another exclaimed denial, or another fit of giggles, or even an acceptance of that -apparently more than absolutely true- fact… Any of those, she did expect. What she didn’t expect was the tender smile that spread slowly on Chloe’s lips, or the way her eyes softened with something new sparkling now in their depths._

_“No”, Chloe denied, oh so quietly, as she shook her head lightly, “I’m not”._

_“Of course you-”_

_“I’m really not, Bec. Just a bit tipsy”._

_“But you…”_

_Beca trailed off, unable to finish her sentence; the way Chloe was looking at her now, the way she was smiling at her… Something was shifting between them, she could feel it in the atmosphere that was suddenly cracking with electricity and something heavy and unknown; it was terrifying and thrilling at the same time and her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest at this point._

_And Chloe should be able to feel it, if not even hear it; they were so damn close still._

_The thought had the dumb thing seemingly beat even faster._

_“I just… I just wanted to be silly for a bit, you know?” Chloe all but whispered, her warm breath touching Beca’s lips and forcing her to swallow. “Have some harmless fun and… and spend some time with you”._

_“We see each other every day, Chlo”, Beca rationalized instinctively, her voice a hoarse whisper. “We spend almost every waking hour together”._

_“I know”, Chloe nodded, a hint of sadness invading her quiet tone, “I know, but you’ve been kind of distant lately and I… I just wanted you back. I’ve missed you”._

_“I’m right here”, Beca replied immediately, shaking her head gently in denial even though she knew it was true; she had been distant, emotionally, in an attempt to control the feelings she had no business feeling for her best friend._

_She’d thought Chloe wouldn’t notice; it was supposed to be subtle and fly under the radar._

_But of course Chloe had noticed. She was Chloe._

_“You haven’t been”, Chloe insisted softly, tucking a loose strand behind Beca’s ear gently, “not really”._

_“I’m sorry, Chlo. I just…I…”_

_How could she explain? She couldn’t. That was the point, she couldn’t explain because if she did-_

_“I told you it’s okay, remember?” Chloe questioned then; it was barely a whisper, but it rang inside Beca’s head as loudly as if she had shouted it. “I meant it. I mean it. It’s okay, Bec”._

_Beca could barely breathe at this point, no matter replying. What Chloe was saying… She had squashed that hope then as soon as it had appeared in her mind; because she’d thought it was stupid and it could never actually be what she’d meant. No way. No way Chloe was feeling the same as she._

_The light pressure of soft lips against her own had her mind going completely blank and her eyes fluttering shut. It didn’t last for more than a few seconds and then it was gone as abruptly as it had come; leaving her breathing way harder than she should, lips slightly parted and heart doing somersaults inside her chest. When she dared open her eyes she was met with the warmest, most comforting sea._

_“It’s okay”, Chloe breathed, and Beca suddenly felt so, so tired of denying it all; her feelings, the reality of their connection, the opportunity to have this with Chloe… Chloe herself._

_She didn’t want to deny Chloe anymore._

_It was okay not to._

_Beca suddenly felt so light that she was momentarily scared she’d float away if she didn’t hold on to something tangible, something real to ground her to that moment; her hands came to rest on Chloe’s forearms, applying the tiniest bit of pressure. Just to feel her close, just to make sure all this wasn’t a dream._

_Just to be reassured that she wasn’t alone now that the world –her world- was tilting on its axis._

_Chloe’s skin radiated the most comforting warmth against her own, and she would exhale in relief if the way Chloe was looking at her didn’t have her breath catching in her throat. She had surrendered to the moment, to the possibilities; to the prospect of them, and Chloe knew it. The burning intensity that was shimmering in her gaze, as if ready to boil over at any moment, was enough proof._

_And when a second later Chloe reconnected their lips, more firmly and decisively this time, Beca did feel like it had indeed boiled over. The way Chloe was kissing her, capturing her lips again and again, her tongue tracing her bottom one every few seconds, had heat spreading like wildfire all over her body, coiling embers settling at the pit of her stomach; which turned into raging flames when Chloe bit down on her bottom lip gently, and Beca granted her the access she’d been seeking with a small whimper that Chloe answered in kind before kissing her even harder._

_Beca could do nothing but feel, every thought in her mind having evaporated into thin air. She had no control anymore of what her body was doing; the way her hands were now gliding up and down Chloe’s back firmly and trying to press her closer; the small sounds she kept releasing into Chloe’s demanding mouth; the way her back arched and her neck stretched backwards, pushing the back of her head further into the comforter, when Chloe cupped one of her breasts gently; she couldn’t control any of it._

_And she couldn’t care less._

_Beca could hear how loud and strained her breathing was in the quiet of her dark room even through the rush of her blood in her ears; a hint of embarrassment tried to invade her thoughts at her reactions –and at how fast wetness was pooling between her legs- until Chloe started sucking at her pulse point, tongue coming out to soothe the skin every few seconds. A new wave of heat washed over her and she moaned, right hand weaving through those fiery curls before gripping at them lightly to keep Chloe right where she was. Chloe’s answering moan against her skin had goosebumps appearing all over her body, a choked gasp falling from her lips as she felt the hand on her breast squeeze her flesh more firmly._

_The pleasure that shot right to the apex of her thighs was accompanied by a small pang of panic in her chest; this was too much too fast. Right? It had to be, they were friends and not the kind of friends that randomly hooked up; was that what they would become? Or not? What did this mean? Chloe has said it was okay, but what exactly-_

_“Chlo”, she managed to utter, voice no more than a quiet whimper; a louder one following right after as Chloe chose to respond by rolling her straining nipple between her fingers before tugging at it lightly, the thin layers that her tank top and her bra provided doing nothing to lessen the intensity of the sensation._

_“Chlo”, she tried again, this time managing to get the small word out in a much more dignified manner –as dignified as it could be at least… which was barely at all._

_“What?” Chloe breathed at her ear, pressing a wet, lingering kiss right under it. Beca did her best to ignore the strong shiver that overtook her body at both those actions, bringing her hands gently to Chloe’s shoulders and pushing her a few inches back gently._

_Of course, staring into those sparkling blues, now darkened with desire, was only slightly less distracting than what Chloe had been doing. Beca felt like she was drowning in them, with no hope of ever coming up for air; forever lost in all the warmth and light Chloe was. And that was such a comforting thought that she felt her body relaxing into the mattress, her thumbs starting to draw small patterns on Chloe’s overheated skin absentmindedly._

_“What is it, Bec?”_

_Chloe’s whispered question and all the tenderness it held, the small, soft smile on her lips, the way her expression had shifted from one of unabashed passion and want to a gentler one, dripping with care and maybe something even deeper; Beca allowed herself a moment to take in all that, and she felt her heart finally settle inside her chest._

_It was still beating rapidly, but it knew now that it was safe._

_It would always be safe with Chloe._

_So Beca shook her head gently, only to see Chloe’s eyebrows instantly furrow a bit; she knew Chloe wouldn’t just drop this, not without making sure Beca was okay._

_But Beca didn’t want to talk, not anymore. She knew now. She was sure._

_So it was her who covered the small distance between them this time, pressing their lips together; it was her who deepened the kiss, asking for entrance into Chloe’s mouth that was immediately granted to her with a quiet moan; it was her that poured everything she had into this kiss. All the desire that was coursing through her body and had her thighs clenching around Chloe’s hips –when had they even gotten in that position?-, all the ways she wanted to be there for Chloe and keep her safe and make her smile and laugh and be happy…all the love that was filling up her chest and was making the back of her eyes sting; she poured her entire heart into this kiss, hoping that Chloe would understand everything she could never put into words._

_Hoping it was enough._

_It wasn’t long before she felt Chloe taking back control, her mouth devouring hers with an intensity that short-circuited her brain; her hands trying to reach every last part of hers that they could without putting any space between them; her body moving against her own in an almost desperate way; and Beca gave up on doing anything else but living in this moment._

_It seemed that Chloe had understood; it seemed that it was –Beca was- enough for her._

_And that’s all that mattered._

_**end of flashback**_

Beca downed the rest of her drink in one gulp, blaming the tears that welled up in her eyes on the burn of the alcohol as it traveled down her throat. That had been the first time they’d slept together; and she could still –still, more than ten years later- remember every single detail of that night in perfect clarity; the feel of Chloe’s bare skin under her fingertips, the increasingly desperate sounds that had kept falling from her lips when Beca had finally touched her, the way her body had been shaking and shivering and arching into her, the almost reverent way she had touched Beca in return…

Beca was thankful that this time the waitress had refilled her glass without her having to ask for it; she emptied half of it again, noticing how her hands were shaking as she put it back down. That night should have never happened. If it hadn’t, if they hadn’t crossed that line, things would be different now. They would be better. That had been the first link in the chain of choices that had brought them to the present, their relationship as battered and bruised as it was now.

If that night, the first one, hadn’t happened…

Beca finished off her drink and stood up, collecting her phone and throwing a couple fifties on the bar besides her glass; that should be enough to cover her tab. She didn’t want to sit in this bar anymore and drink and think of things she had no business even remembering. Running a hand through her hair she made sure she hadn’t forgotten anything before moving towards the exit, inhaling deeply the fresh air the second she stepped outside.

That night shouldn’t have happened, but it had; and it had gotten them right where they were now. If she could take it back, she would; in a heartbeat.

But she couldn’t.

All she could do was go back to the motel and hope that none of the memories she’d revisited tonight would follow her in her dreams.

About fifteen minutes later she fished the motel room key out of her pocket as she approached its front door, her footsteps as light as heavy her heart felt. She was ready to push it into the lock when she froze, her extended hand suspended in mid air; the light shining dimly through the drawn curtains of the single window had just caught her attention, and of course –of course- her brain had chosen to make another brilliant connection.

_**flashback – 2009**_

_Beca ascended the three small steps, crossed the wooden deck –stealing a few nervous glances at the light coming through the drawn curtains of the living room window- and came to stand right outside Chloe’s front door. A door that she’d stood in front of countless times in the many months –almost a year- they’d been friends. Beca took a deep breath fully aware of how fast her heart was beating._

_This time was different. This was their first date, and for some ridiculous reason she’d insisted on picking Chloe up from her house. So god damn cheesy, like… they’d been fucking for weeks now! They should have met outside the movie theater like they would have done any other time!_

_Except, no matter how cheesy and ridiculous, this wasn’t like any other time. And they hadn’t been fucking for weeks; well they had, but it had been more than that since the very first time. There was no point lying to herself, not while she was at the verge of having a full-fledged panic attack in front of Chloe’s door._

_Dear God, she was at the verge of having a full-fledged panic attack in front of Chloe’s door._

_Beca took another deep breath and rang the bell decisively, ignoring how much her hand was shaking. There; simple enough. No reason to panic._

_The next second fast approaching footsteps could be heard, and Beca swallowed as she realized how dry her mouth was. What if it was Chloe’s mum who opened the door? What if she invited her inside for a drink until Chloe was ready –that was what happened in the movies, right? That would be so awkward! Or, even worse, what if it was Chloe’s dad who opened the door, and he pulled her to the side and gave her a lecture on how she should treat his daughter right or he’d shoot her or something, or even worse than that what if he didn’t approve of them being together and he just forbade-_

_The door was yanked open just then, interrupting Beca’s increasingly panicked thoughts; and she couldn’t help her small sigh of relief at the sight that greeted her._

_It was Chloe._

_Chloe, who was smiling a bright, and yet quite bashful, smile at her, red curls falling neatly on her shoulders, eyes sparkling with a mixture of excitement and… nerves, Beca realized. Chloe was nervous, too._

_Just like that, her own nerves evaporated into thin air. This was Chloe. And she was-_

_“So beautiful”, Beca offered, the awe in her tone evident, and she watched a light blush spread on Chloe’s cheeks._

_For some reason, that reaction had her relaxing even more._

_“You’re one to talk”, Chloe shot back playfully, and it was Beca who was blushing now. She didn’t mind it, though, and Chloe saw right through her eye roll that followed if her soft chuckle was anything to go by. “I’ll grab my coat and we can go, just give me a sec okay?”_

_“Okay”, Beca agreed, a contented smile spreading on her lips as Chloe nodded and rushed back inside; Chloe was nervous and obviously excited about their date. Beca wasn’t alone in feeling this way, and she was starting to actually believe that she wasn’t alone in everything else that she was feeling either._

_Everything would be okay._

_**end of flashback**_

Beca shook her head to clear her mind of the remnants of the memory and pushed the key into the lock. She had no energy left to deal with her brain anymore, and all its stupidity. So she focused on unlocking the door instead and did her best to ignore the small pangs that kept running through her heart.

“Where have you been?”

She had barely shut the door and taken three steps inside the room before Chloe’s loud, indignant question pierced through her mind, making her visibly flinch. The first thing she noticed when her gaze landed on her, standing by the window and arms crossed, was how drawn her face looked.

“Where have you been, Beca?” Chloe asked again after a few seconds of silence; Beca didn’t miss the slight tightening of her arms against her chest.

“I don’t wanna do this right now, Chloe”, she finally replied, her voice much quieter than Chloe’s. “I’m back now and all I want to do is get some sleep, alright?”

“Are you okay?”

She had started walking towards the bathroom, but this –so, so unexpected- question had her halting and turning back around to stare at Chloe. She had heard it in her tone and she could see it now on her face; genuine concern.

Beca had no idea what to do with that. Not after their fight earlier, not after a night of drinking and taking a stroll down memory lane and regret. This Chloe wasn’t concerned about Beca, she just tolerated her. And it was fine, whatever. But it was also the truth; at least… at least that’s what she’d thought.

“Yeah”, Beca choked out, her shock having the words come out harsher than she’d intended, “yeah, I’m fine”.

At her words, she watched Chloe’s expression shift again; nothing but indignation and frustration coloring her features once again, her earlier concern nowhere to be found. Was it even ever there or was her alcohol-riddled, exhausted brain making stuff up? Beca sighed; she honestly couldn’t tell.

“Well **that’s** good to hear since you’ve been gone for **hours** in the **middle** of the night! You didn’t even leave a note, you just disappeared! At first I thought you’d just left, but then I saw the car and I figured you’d gone out for a walk or something and then you didn’t respond to my text and- You can’t just up and leave like that without saying a word, Beca!”

“You thought I’d left without you? That I’d do that?”

Maybe it was the alcohol and the late hour and the exhaustion of the day –it had been such a fucking long day- that had Beca’s heart clenching painfully inside her chest. So that was how broken they were; Chloe had thought that she’d just abandon her in a strange town, hundreds of miles away from home. That she’d just get in her car and drive away, leaving her behind.

No, she couldn’t do this anymore. Not tonight. She literally couldn’t. She just…She just wanted to sleep; and if possible, forget.

“We had just had a fight, and the thought did-”

“Chloe”, Beca interrupted her, the tiredness dripping from her voice making it almost unrecognizable to her own ears, “I would never just drive away and leave you behind, okay?”

The fact that Chloe was left just staring at her, seemingly digesting her words…

“Look, let’s just… This road trip is what we both need and it’s happening so let’s just focus on that. We don’t have to talk or bond or whatever, let’s just do this and then go our separate ways. We should be able to simply coexist for a few days; and that’s all we both want anyway, right? So let’s just do that”.

She thought that she saw Chloe preparing to say something; instead she just nodded, a look in her eyes that Beca frankly had no desire to try and figure out. Instead she nodded too and turned back around, continuing on her way to the bathroom.

The only thing she wanted anymore was for things to go as she’d just said –she’d given up on hoping for anything better than that.

That didn’t stop a small voice at the back of her head from whispering to her the same thing over and over until she fell asleep some time later.

She could never regret Chloe; not really. Not ever. And Beca knew that -despite everything- it was the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well...quite the evening beca has had! the next chapter is half done, and i would love to finish it for tomorrow; if i don't get to then it will be posted in the next few days. thank you for reading, if you got thoughts i'd love to hear them!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so here's how the rest of the chapters, including this one, are going to work: obviously, bechloe week is over. however, i had decided since the beginning that for each chapter i was gonna be using each subsequent prompt, and that hasn't changed. it's just fun for me and helps and challenges me creatively. so i'm gonna be doing that, the chapters just won't be entries for bechloe week (again, obviously) with that out of the way, chapter based on the prompt: baby farm animals  
> this chapter took me so long to finish, i just kept getting stuck on stupid things and it was quite frustrating. however, i ended up rather loving how it turned out, so i hope you all enjoy! also, to everyone who has been following this journey so far, thank you  
> oh final note: this is from chloe's pov  
> and now, on with the story!

_**flashback – 2009**_

_“Chloe dear, you’re going to wear a hole in the carpet”._

_Her mother’s tone was gentle and understanding, no matter the hints of a smile in it, but Chloe ignored it all the same. She had been pacing for the last- she threw a quick glance at the clock on the wall of the living room- twenty five minutes; she was too nervous to sit down and just… stay there. She needed to keep moving, it made her feel more in control of the situation somehow._

_Chloe rolled her eyes at her own thoughts even as she kept pacing; there was no situation to be in control of, not really. This wasn’t anything big, it was just a nice evening out with her girlfriend –she couldn’t help neither her momentary smile nor the butterflies that leapt into life in her stomach at that- and they were gonna watch a movie and share their popcorn and maybe take a stroll afterwards; nothing out of the ordinary._

_Chloe rolled her eyes again –Beca was definitely rubbing off on her; which was a very, very good thing in some ways, an incredibly good- okay focus, Beale! Where was she?..._

_Right._

_This **was** a big deal. This was their first date, and yeah okay they’d been sleeping together for weeks and been friends for almost a year, but! This was their first date. They were girlfriends. Beca was her girlfriend, and she had been all proper and official, and oh so cute in her adorable awkwardness, and had insisted that she would pick Chloe up from her house and now it was almost time and-_

_Chloe took a deep breath and clenched her hands into fists, her pacing never slowing down. Okay, so this was a big deal. Okay. But it was still Beca, right? She knew Beca, they’d been friends –best friends- for months and months and they were already… well acquainted with each other. This was Beca; and Beca was familiar and safe and the person Chloe was pretty sure she was in love with._

_…Fuck._

_Chloe had never felt more excited and more genuinely afraid at the sound of the doorbell echoing in her house. For the shortest moment -her mind suddenly completely blank- she halted, staring towards the hallway and in the general direction of the front door. Just for the shortest moment; and then she was rushing to the door, heart beating wildly in her chest and a smile etched on her lips. Beca was here._

_It was that simple realization and the myriad of emotions it had erupting inside her chest that had her yanking the door open instead of opening it like a normal person; but she didn’t care. Beca was indeed there, barely three feet away from her, standing at her doorstep to pick her up for their date._

_Beca, who was smiling the cutest –all soft and awkward and just so Beca- smile at her, silky dark tresses framing her face in just the right way, those captivating deep blues shining maybe more vividly than Chloe had ever seen them– and Chloe’s cheeks were straining by how big she was smiling now. But how could she not? Beca was right there and Chloe’s heart was singing at the sight of her and she was just-_

_“So beautiful”, Beca murmured, as if unconsciously, just as she was about to say that same thing to her; and it was the something in her tone that strongly resembled reverence that had color rising to Chloe’s cheeks._

_“You’re one to talk”, she shot back teasingly, delighting at the blush that tinted Beca’s cheeks at the compliment; she loved getting Beca flustered, it was just so freaking adorable! As was her eye-roll that followed right after, especially because of the smile she could see her trying to hold back; Chloe chuckled, warmth spreading inside her at the comforting familiarity of it all. Her nerves were subsiding with each second that passed._

_“I’ll grab my coat and we can go, just give me a sec okay?”_

_At Beca’s soft ‘okay’ she nodded, literally unable to stop smiling, and rushed back inside; the sooner she got her coat the sooner their date could officially start and she couldn’t wait! She knew now that she had no reason to feel nervous. Beca was right there with her, in everything that she was feeling; not just about the date, which was so comforting, but also in general. Chloe had known for some time, but something in the way Beca was tonight had every last doubt fleeing her mind._

_Everything would be okay._

_**end of flashback**_

A small bump on the road had the car give a slight jolt; it was enough to pull Chloe back to the present moment and away from the sweet memory that had for some reason sprung in the forefront of her mind. Sighing quietly she rested her head against the head rest, her attention turning away from the road ahead to Beca instead and she allowed her eyes to study her profile. If Beca felt or noticed it she didn’t show it, never mind comment on it. Eyes hidden behind her black aviators and hands firmly gripping the steering wheel she seemed to be entirely focused on driving, and Chloe averted her gaze after a few seconds; fully aware of the small pang that ran through her heart as she did.

The last three days had been…tiring was the first word that came to her mind, and yet she didn’t know if it was the right one. That’s how she’d been feeling, however. Ever since that first night and what Beca had said once she’d returned to the motel room, and the way Beca had looked in those moments, her mind hadn’t stopped thinking and arguing and going over things and- and Chloe was tired by now; mentally and emotionally.

Beca’s words had kept repeating inside her head over and over; she could still hear them now, in the stifling silence that stretched uncomfortably between them in the small space the car offered. _We should be able to simply coexist for a few days; and that’s all we both want anyway, right? So let’s just do that._ Especially that part. Because Beca had sounded and looked so deeply tired, but when she’d said that… She had seemed absolutely dejected, and her giving up had radiated off of her in waves. Chloe still felt the freezing coldness where they had hit her the hardest; right to the chest.

And it was also about the words themselves; they had settled heavily in the pit of Chloe’s stomach and she hadn’t managed to shake the unpleasant feeling yet. In the beginning she was mad at herself for that; they shouldn’t have bothered her at all; it was the truth! Chloe had made that exact point a few hours earlier that same night! She had indeed gone on this road trip with the intention to basically ignore Beca as much as possible. This wasn’t about reconnecting or bonding or whatever, this was about escaping for a little bit from the claustrophobic thing her life had turned into. Or it used to be about that.

Chloe had realized that it may not have been as simple.

Because the truth was –and the fact that that memory had even come to her mind confirmed it- that she had been lying to herself. Chloe exhaled a long breath and turned her head towards the window to her right, closing her eyes. That was nothing new. She’d done it in the past so many times; with Beca, with her own goals, with her marriage… She could see it now; or rather, she had the balls now to admit it, at least to herself.

Those topics all belonged to the past, however, and she had absolutely no interest in getting even near to any of those cans of worms, never mind opening them. But her current issue with Beca, no matter how much deeper and further back it ran, absolutely did not belong to the past. It was literally a present problem; Beca was present in her life right now. So, ultimately, the thing Chloe had to admit was…

She hadn’t wanted to admit it; it had taken her the entire second day of this trip to reach a place where she wasn’t fighting herself tooth and nail on admitting it. But by that night, the way she had watched Beca crawl into her motel bed, turn her back to her oh so quietly –as if the mere shuffling of the sheets would be so bothersome to Chloe-, and curl into a ball; the way she had looked so small as she lay perfectly still, had pierced right through Chloe’s heart and made the back of her eyes sting.

And then she couldn’t deny it anymore. She missed Beca; she had been missing her –deep in her heart and almost unconsciously- for years. Not at first; not for a long time. But for the last three years…

Chloe pursed her lips and opened her eyes, squinting them into slits as the brightness of the sunlight hit them at full force. That second night had been a hard one; she hadn’t slept even for a minute, her thoughts so loud and so entangled inside her head that by morning she’d also had a headache to deal with. But at least she’d made peace with the way she was feeling. She’d been missing her friend –her best friend- for a long time; and her denial on that had been left resolutely behind in that motel room.

The acceptance of that simple fact had her anger slowly melting away as well; honestly, Chloe still didn’t even fully understand where it had even come from. Okay yes, there were some pretty big things in their past that could explain it. But she had moved on from that; the anger and the sadness and the grief –for everything that had been lost between them-, she had dealt with it all and set it aside. Or at least she’d thought she’d had. All it had taken was Beca waltzing back into her life and the anger had been back at full force.

Chloe stole a glance at Beca but nothing had changed; she was still completely focused on driving, and if she had noticed any change in Chloe’s demeanor caused by all the deep thinking she’d been doing she definitely wasn’t showing it. Maybe that had been the reason of her anger, Chloe considered; well not this exactly, but like… Beca had acted so nonchalantly that first day, as if nothing was wrong and she was just trying to make small talk because that was the normal thing to do. As if there was no past between them, no history, no baggage; nothing. Yes, Chloe mused, maybe that was the reason.

But she didn’t want to deal with the past either, she reminded herself and couldn’t help the sigh that escaped her. She had been such a hypocrite, asking Beca to basically address it when she herself… Then again, it hadn’t been her who-

Chloe cut her own train of thought off at that and she sat up straighter in her seat. All that, the past, wasn’t the point; she had moved on from that, and she still believed that she had. She had just gotten blindsided by the sudden reappearance of Beca in her life, was all. Beca, who once upon a time had been her best friend; and Chloe had needed a friend like that for a long time now.

No, not a friend like that.

Beca. She had needed Beca.

She had missed her, the past be damned. It was exactly that anyway; the past. And she was tired of thinking in circles and getting nowhere.

That had been her way of thinking for the last two days as well; set aside the past, focus on the present. Because she had totally blown up at Beca and it had been entirely her own fault, as far as the present was concerned. And since it was the present she was focusing on, that whole situation and how Beca had been after –how she still was- was on Chloe.

And gosh darn it, she had been trying to make things a bit better between them, she really had. She wasn’t delusional; no matter how much she’d missed her they weren’t going to be best friends again in the span of a few days; maybe ever. She wasn’t even sure she wanted that, if she were honest. Ugh, her brain was making this so complicated!

But anyways, they could at least communicate a bit like people who knew each other more than a few days would. What Beca had said, the simply coexisting thing –Chloe didn’t want that. And now the mere thought that they would continue to do just that –as they had done for the last three days- was starting to make her skin crawl.

So she had been trying; but Beca had been completely unresponsive to all her subtle attempts. For the last two days she had done all she could think of, really; she had been addressing Beca in a much mellower manner; she had gotten her her morning coffee two days in a row now; she had engaged in the mundane small talk required from two people who were spending so many hours together much more happily than before, and she had even attempted a few times to start some light conversation herself; she had even talked to Beca –in detail- about Tim’s most recent adventures at camp during their lunch stop the day before, in hopes that the subject matter would make Beca let loose a bit.

Beca had been just so reserved and distant; and the mention of her son hadn’t helped in that at all. Nothing had. Beca would respond appropriately to every situation of course… and that would be that. She had thanked her for the coffee, both times, and had then walked away to put gas in the car and settle their motel bill; she had engaged politely in the small talk, but just for as long as it was strictly necessary; and the only comment she had made after Chloe had finished reiterating Tim’s shenanigans had been “Sounds like the little guy is having a lot of fun. That’s good”, before she’d excused herself to go the bathroom.

That was it. Chloe had seen the connection Beca had formed with him, even in those few minutes their interaction had lasted; she hadn’t shown it and had felt like it shouldn’t have, but it had warmed her heart all the same. And yet despite that, Beca had barely reacted to the news about his time at camp. If a distant acquaintance had told Beca a story about the child of their third cousin that she had never met she’d have had a stronger reaction.

Chloe rolled her eyes at how dramatic her last thought had been but she also felt quite frustrated; no matter the dramatics, she was basically right. And even more frustrating was the fact that she didn’t know what else to do. Chloe rearranged herself in her seat to be more comfortable in an attempt to avoid sighing or huffing or granting; or in other words, to avoid showing her frustration in any way, because if she knew Beca –and she’d think she still did, at least in some ways- she would think Chloe was mad at her about something. And that was the opposite of what Chloe was trying to accomplish.

“There’s a diner two miles ahead, should we stop?”

Hearing Beca’s voice ringing loud and clear in the small space of the silent for the last couple of hours car made Chloe literally jump in place, and her hand shot instinctively up to rest on her chest above her heart. She would have felt really foolish about her reaction to Beca simply speaking to her if the first feeling to wash over her hadn’t been sadness; the way their disconnect had just been highlighted...

“I’m sorry”, Beca offered quietly, and Chloe was suddenly overcome by the urge to shake her until she stopped being this reserved and dejected shell of a person.

“It’s totally fine, it was my fault; I was distracted”, she chose to say instead of doing that. “And um, I don’t know. It’s lunchtime, so probably. What do you wanna do?”

“Either is fine with me”, Beca gave a small shrug, eyes always focused on the road ahead. “Whatever you wanna do, Chloe”.

That right there –that was as good of a demonstration of the problem as any. Beca had stopped even expressing opinions!

“Let’s stop, then”.

Five minutes later the car came to a stop, its engine turning off seconds later; Chloe also heard the small noise the keys made as Beca pulled them from the ignition. She assumed they had parked outside the diner but her sole focus remained on the contents of her handbag; and the notable absence of her cell phone among them. Frustrated, and increasingly worried, she kept rummaging through the small assortment of objects hoping beyond hope that it was in the bag somewhere and she just hadn’t found it yet.

“Everything okay?”

“I can’t find my damn phone”, she replied to Beca’s quiet question, stretching her bag open as much as possible so she could see better inside. “If I forgot it back at the motel-”

“You didn’t”.

Chloe’s movements halted abruptly, eyes immediately meeting Beca’s.

“What?”

“You put it in your duffel bag this morning”.

Beca’s nonchalant attitude was kind of frustrating in and of itself at this moment; Chloe had been searching for the freaking device and going slightly crazy about not finding it, and she was just- And what she’d just said did not make any sense, because for what reason-

“Wha- Why would I-”

“I don’t know”, Beca interrupted her calmly. “You left it to charge last night and then this morning you just packed both the charger and your phone”.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t know you had been looking for-”

“No, Beca”, Chloe cut her off this time, more bite in her tone than she’d intended, “not now; in the morning. When you saw me packing my phone in my luggage, like no person in their right mind would ever do, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I assumed you’d have your reasons”, Beca replied simply, although Chloe could see it in her eyes; she was retracting into herself even more than she had been doing for the last three days. “It wasn’t my business to tell you how or where to store your phone”.

Chloe could easily fight her on what she’d just said; because that wasn’t normal behavior and they both knew it, despite Beca currently pretending otherwise. A person does not simply pack their phone into their suitcase or duffel bag or whatever and the other person just sits back and watches them do it. They say something, because no one packs their phone! They put it in their handbag or pocket or jacket, or basically anywhere that would allow them to carry it along with them! Because that’s what you do with cell phones! You carry them along with you!

But however justified her saying all that would be, it would accomplish literally nothing; it would just make matters worse between them, and Chloe had been trying to achieve the exact opposite for the last two days. She knew now that she hadn’t lost her phone, and that it was safe and sound inside her duffel bag. No point in arguing further about this; everything was fine.

“Okay”, she nodded, making a conscious effort to hide the remnants of her frustration, “okay. I can understand that. But if you ever see me do this again in the remainder of this trip, please tell me”.

It was Beca’s turn to nod.

“Okay, will do”.

An uncomfortable silence stretched between them for a few seconds; Chloe almost cringed at the awkwardness that felt as if it was physically filling up the small space. Then again, everything between them had been forced and awkward since the first day of the trip.

That was the problem.

Chloe pursed her lips a little and averted her gaze, her eyes returning to her handbag as she started rearranging the mess she had made inside it.

“I’ll just be a sec”.

“How about I get us a table while you tend to the chaos?” Beca asked then, the words flowing out of her perfectly naturally and even with a hint of a smile in them.

The question was simple enough; and yet it left Chloe completely frozen. Not because Beca had actually taken the lead on something finally, or because she had just basically teased her about not being able to tolerate even the smallest amount of disorder in her bag, or even because Beca seemed to still –still- remember that small pet peeve of hers. No, it was none of those things.

It was the fact that she’d heard this question before, word for word. She had no idea if Beca remembered it too; if she had done it on purpose or not. But Chloe did remember, her mind already trying to force her into reliving that memory.

“Yeah, sounds good”, she offered, her voice sounding strained even to her own ears; if Beca had noticed she didn’t show it, though, and a second later the car door closed shut behind her.

That appeared to be the signal her mind had needed to start flashing image after vivid image inside her head; taking her way back.

_**flashback – 2009**_

_It was a beautiful Sunday morning; really chilly but one of the rare days this time of year –it was winter after all- that the sun was shining brightly, not even the smallest cloud marring the sky’s brilliant blue. The fact that right now Chloe was inside Beca’s dad’s car with Beca, her girlfriend being insanely sexy in her leather jacket and dark jeans as she was driving them both to their second date destination made the day a hundred times more beautiful. Chloe had been unabashedly staring at Beca since they’d gotten on the road about ten minutes earlier; she just couldn’t stop, and why would she? She was quite the sight, and she’d told her so when Beca had asked her; the obvious blush that had spread on Beca’s cheeks the most adorable thing, especially because of her exaggerated eye-roll that had followed Chloe’s answer._

_That whole small interaction was still making her smile some minutes later; smile getting bigger when she thought again of where it was they were going._

_“I cannot believe we’re doing this”._

_And it was true; she hadn’t managed to fully wrap her mind around the fact that Beca Mitchell would have voluntarily chosen to take her where she was taking her, of all the places and activities-_

_“Doing what?”_

_“That **you** are taking me to see… baby farm animals”, Chloe explained simply, her amused incredulity seeping into her tone in spades._

_Beca’s immediate eye-roll was no surprise at all; but it was still highly amusing, the fact that Beca was pretending to be all serious and even grumpy about this, when it had been entirely her idea. Chloe couldn’t help the small giggle from escaping her; her girlfriend was so damn cute!_

_“Dude! Stop!” Beca basically whined –whined!-, not very successful in hiding the smile that was trying to lift the corners of her lips. “This isn’t- I’m not-”_

_“What? Come on Bec, finish your thought”, Chloe teased, able to hear for herself the laughter in her tone._

_“You suck”, Beca groaned in response; the small pout that followed her words melting Chloe’s heart so quickly that it would have frightened her if this wasn’t Beca._

_She knew her heart was safe with Beca._

_So she just laughed, adoring every second of this interaction, of this day, of her time with Beca; every second she got to spend with this person that had no idea how much light it brought to Chloe’s world, how much joy and warmth._

_She was sure that Beca wouldn’t believe her if she told her this; Beca had trouble believing she was much of a worthy addition in anyone’s life. If only she could see herself through Chloe’s eyes, if only she could actually feel the way Chloe’s soul was soothed in her presence. The fact that Beca rarely let people in, if ever; and yet she’d offered that privilege to her…Chloe did not take that lightly._

_And if it wasn’t too much too fast, if it wasn’t too soon, she knew what she’d call that feeling that kept bubbling inside her chest; that feeling that had her wanting to spend as much time as possible in Beca’s presence and kiss her and wrap her arms around her and talk for hours and trade any stories of their past that still remained unknown to each other and make plans for the upcoming school dance and take her to bed and cook her breakfast in the morning wearing one of Beca’s shirts and-_

_Every single thing she could think about, every experience and moment, she wanted to share it with her. So she knew what she’d call that feeling; no matter how big and scary the idea of it may seem to some, Chloe had never been like that. She had never been afraid of it._

_She knew._

_But it wasn’t the right time yet; Beca wasn’t ready. And that was perfectly okay, because Chloe also knew she wasn’t alone in this. Even if –if- the degrees varied at the moment and even though Beca wasn’t ready yet, she knew she was feeling it, too._

_She made Chloe feel loved every single day; how could she not be feeling it?_

_“And yet you’re **still** taking me to see baby farm animals”, she teased again, smile getting so big at the glare Beca shot at her that her cheeks were starting to hurt._

_“Keep this up and I may change my mind”._

_“You wouldn’t!”_

_“And yet I may”._

_“Hm”, Chloe pretended to think for a second, smile softening as she kept looking at Beca. Not for any particular reason; she didn’t need one anyway. “How about I kiss you to make it better?”_

_The sound of Beca’s chuckle tasted like melted chocolate._

_“Make what better, Chlo?”_

_“Your emotional distress”, she shot back immediately, and she couldn’t help but join Beca in her laughter; basking in the easy familiarity and comfort of the moment._

_“What am I gonna do with you?” Beca questioned once they had calmed down, shaking her head gently as she kept her eyes on the road, a small smile still lingering on her lips._

_“Take me to see some baby farm animals?”_

_“You’re lucky you’re so cute”._

_Half an hour later Beca parked the car outside the entrance to the fair they were visiting; and where there was supposed to be the meet-baby-farm-animals-and-interact-with-them-if-you-want event. Chloe had been so excited about the whole thing, she hadn’t stopped talking about it since Beca had revealed she was taking her here two days ago._

_Excitement that was slowly melting away from her as she kept rummaging through the contents of her purse, throwing things around haphazardly inside it in search of her lip gloss. The second the engine turned off she felt the familiar tube against her fingers and she exclaimed victoriously._

_“Did you find it?”_

_“Oh my god yes, finally!”_

_She had applied it in less than ten seconds and she threw it back into the purse, only then taking account of the utter and total disarray its contents were in._

_“Ready to go?”_

_“Yes, just a sec; I need to fix this mess, it’s already driving me crazy seeing it”, she replied, already on the task._

_“Hey, we said we’d get brunch first, right? At that diner in the fair you read so many great reviews about?”_

_“Yeah”._

_“There’s such a big crowd around, and by previous experience you’re gonna take a little while; how about I get us a table while you tend to the chaos?”_

_“Ugh, you’re the best girlfriend ever”, Chloe responded immediately in agreement, eyes remaining fixated on the inside of her purse as she kept placing things carefully exactly to the right spot._

_“You remember that”, she heard Beca say, the playfulness in her tone making Chloe smile. “I’m leaving the keys on the dash, just lock up before you come meet me”._

_“Okay babe”._

_It wasn’t long before Chloe was left alone in the car, smile still on her lips as was the warmth in her heart. There wasn’t any specific reason for it, but she was feeling so content and happy at that moment._

_Yet again…why would she need one?_

_**end of flashback**_

Chloe blinked a few times in quick succession to clear her vision, suddenly aware of the moisture on her cheeks. She had no idea where the tears had come from, or why; she didn’t even know what she was feeling at that moment, and it seemed too arduous of a task to try and figure it out. So instead she inhaled deeply and wiped the tears away with a slightly shaky hand, finally taking in the diner right ahead of her; her eyes falling on Beca instantly.

She had chosen a table by the window as she always did and she was currently perusing the menu, her leather jacket discarded a bit haphazardly on the back of her chair, her hair framing her face and partly hiding it from Chloe’s view, expression serious and concentrated until a waitress approached her and Chloe watched as she placed their order. There was nothing about the whole scene that was anything but normal; mundane even, one could call it.

And yet Chloe’s heart clenched so painfully inside her chest that she had to take another deep breath; this was –she could see it in her mind’s eye as clear as day- exactly how she had found Beca all those years ago when she’d finally rearranged her purse and gotten to the diner at the fair. Back when they were happy and comfortable with each other; back when things were easy and warm and safe; back when-

She couldn’t do this for another minute; she couldn’t take them walking on eggshells around each other as if they were strangers. As if they hadn’t shared so much. As if they hadn’t called each other home before.

It wasn’t panic but it also kind of was, the feeling that rose inside her at that moment as she kept watching Beca through the diner window. She had to fix this. Well, not everything; there were things in their past that were too much to even think about right now, never mind try to resolve during lunch. And those things belonged to the past, she reminded herself.

No, what she wanted –needed- was for them to get somewhere at long last, to a place better than they had been for the last four days. Some progress was all she wanted. And if she had to take a leap to make it happen, if she had to really open up, then so be it.

Chloe took a last deep breath, grabbed her handbag, and exited the car decisively; the loud sound of the car door closing behind her feeling like a signal for something significant. An ending, but also a beginning.

It wasn’t long at all before she slid into the chair reserved for her right opposite of and facing Beca, who immediately met her gaze as she settled and started taking off her own jacket.

“I already ordered us some food, I hope you don’t mind; I got you what you’ve been getting for the last two days because it seemed like the safest option and I didn’t want to tell the waitress to come back and delay us leaving for no reas- but if you wanted something else I can-”

“Beca”, Chloe cut her off, not fighting back a small smile, “it’s fine. Thank you”.

“You’re welcome”, Beca offered after a beat, and Chloe was so glad to see her visibly relax in her chair, shoulders not so tense anymore as she picked up her phone and started scrolling through it.

Now that wouldn’t do, though. There was a subject Chloe wanted to broach; the one her mind had for some reason settled on –all on its own- in the short moment it had taken to reach the diner’s door. She had no idea why that was or if it would help the situation in the slightest, but now she was determined to share her thoughts on it; her feelings.

That had to count for something to Beca, right?

Maybe. Hopefully.

But how should she do it? Chloe had never had any issue in starting conversation; with anyone. Quite the opposite actually, it had always been her strong suit. But right now she was blanking on how to start this particular one; and the more seconds ticked by the more stressed she became. She had to talk; she had to do this.

Four days had been long enough.

“I’m just so glad that Timmy is having such a wonderful time at camp”.

Chloe almost face palmed at the randomness of the sentence that had just come out of her mouth; it had, however, drawn Beca’s attention to her, phone now held loosely in her hands and eyes looking at her curiously.

Okay. This was a start, at least.

“Yeah”, Beca agreed after a beat, “me too”.

And Chloe knew –she knew- that that would be the end of the conversation if she let it.

“I just want him to have some fun; just be like a child his age should be, you know? Even for a few days”.

“I know”, Beca nodded softly, a small hint of something intense flickering in her gaze now.

Chloe recognized it instantly; she had seen it every time they had discussed anything about Beca’s mum, or the attitude of Beca’s dad, or the unfairness of it all. They were always quiet, those moments when Beca would open about all that; hushed conversations in dimly lit rooms, a different kind of intimacy permitting the air. Maybe the most important one.

And there it was again, staring right back at her; that small flicker. Because Beca cared enough about Chloe’s son to feel like this. Because Beca cared.

It was that realization, the proof of the fact literally in front of her, that had Chloe completely letting go of any lingering indecision and doubts.

“These last few months have been so rough on him; and I never wanted him to have to grow up so much beyond his years, to witness the harsh side of life so early. But there was nothing I could do to stop it; nothing. I wish I could. I wish”, Chloe sighed tiredly, fully aware of how the backs of her eyes had started to sting but maintaining eye contact regardless, “I wish I could take it all on and leave nothing to land on his little shoulders”.

“You have to take it a bit easier on yourself, Chloe”, Beca said then; her tone soft and gentle and like nothing Chloe had thought she would ever hear from Beca again. “I know it has been rough on the little guy; but it has been rough on you, too”.

“It **has** , but…” Chloe trailed off, and she watched the question form in Beca’s eyes; what was the ‘but’ about? There shouldn’t be one, not really. But there was, and Chloe had decided to share that before she’d even gotten into the diner.

“David and I…we were happy. For the two years before our wedding and since we’d met, and for the first year after that, we were so happy. **I** was happy”.

There was a shadow that crossed Beca’s face; it was subtle, but Chloe caught it all the same.

“We’d had a nice life; those three were good years. But after Timmy was born something shifted…in me. There had been long hours, and long trips for work, and his frequent absence had been a small thorn in my heart and in our relationship since the beginning, but now I had a baby at home; our baby. And he wasn’t there more often than he was”.

Chloe felt a single tear escape her eyes; she could feel it on her cheek as it trickled slowly downwards, but she made no move to wipe it away. Her sole focus was on Beca, on how she was staring at her with her full attention; eyes almost pinning her to the spot.

It was a welcome change.

“It took me too long to realize it; because I still loved him. He was the father of my son, we had built a life together. He was a good man. But he wasn’t there, in our house, with our son; he wasn’t there with me, and after Timmy was born I couldn’t deny it anymore. I still loved him. I had been in love with him, at least for some time. But I wasn’t anymore”.

Chloe had heard how quiet her voice had gotten at that last sentence; how shaky it had become. She could see it in Beca’s eyes as well; how Beca understood this wasn’t something she had confessed easily. How she knew – **how** did she **know**?- that this was something she had been feeling guilty about for months now, ever since he had passed away. Because her husband was dead and she didn’t love him, not in the way she should.

“So you see”, Chloe continued, voice still shaky and quiet, “it wasn’t as rough on me as it should have been; as it was for Timmy. The man I mourned was the father of my son; and I know it doesn’t make sense, not really, but I keep thinking that if that wasn’t the case, if I had more to mourn… that somehow that would have made it easier for Timmy. That it would have taken some of his pain away. And I wasn’t able to offer him that”.

Chloe hadn’t even stopped talking before she watched Beca shaking her head gently, eyes never leaving hers as she extended her hand on the table. The skin on skin contact as Beca covered her hand with hers and squeezed a little sent a chill down her spine that she tried to ignore as best as she could. It had been so long…

“Chloe you have nothing to be feeling guilty about, okay? You feeling more, you being devastated by his loss, you- whatever the impact of his death could have been on you, how Timmy took it wouldn’t have changed”.

“I know, but-”

“No”, Beca cut her off, her tone more resolute now. “None of that would have made a difference for your son. You know what would; what I’m sure did?”

“What?” Chloe asked; the word coming out in a hoarse whisper as another tear trickled down her face.

“ **You being there for him** ”, Beca replied instantly, accentuating each word. “You being present and by his side, helping him get though it and keeping his father’s memory alive; you showing him your love and holding him when he cried and telling him everything was going to be okay; you tucking him in at night and picking him up from kindergarten and spending time with him; you- you showing him he still has a home. That’s all that matters”.

No, Beca wasn’t crying; but Chloe could hear it, she could see it on her face. She knew it anyway, she still remembered it from all those years ago and those precious quiet moments they’d shared. Beca hadn’t had any of that, and she had always been mourning both the absence of her mother and of those small but oh so important things. And she still was.

It broke Chloe’s heart and put it back together at the same time.

So all she could do at that moment, closer to Beca than she felt she’d been in so long, was nod; was to accept her words silently, because she couldn’t come up with any more words to say.

Even though there were. Even though she hadn’t confessed everything.

Even though the biggest part of her guilt was caused by the fact that even when she’d still been in love with her husband, there had always been something missing; a part of her heart she couldn’t offer him because she had offered it to someone else already. And, despite everything, that piece had never returned to her.

She had never loved him as much as the person who held that piece of her heart.

But that…that was something she barely had the courage to admit to her own self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're finally getting somewhere! well...let's see how it goes, shall we?   
> thank you for reading, next chapter will be posted some time next week so see you then!


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